Greetings Dearies!

Lady Potamus here!

Well, the Academy Awards are already upon us and, I regret to confess, I haven't had a chance to "get with" any of this year's nominees. However, if you would allow me to play a little bit of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," using a different star, I am only one step away from Halle Berry. Someday, Halle, you will be mine.

It all started on the set of "Girl Interuprted." Wynonna Ryder had invited me down to give her some tips on playing her character and on shoplifting. Oh, my fleet fingers have lifted more gold in their day than you have probably seen in your life!

I digress. I was napping on one of the cots of the set, when I was suddenly awakened by a moist feeling at my feet. I looked down and who should I see sucking on my toe but Oscar (tm) winner Angelina Jolie! Well, in no time, I was being double teamed by her and her crazy redneck lover Billy Bob Thorton. Just when I had climbed on top of the scrawny man and shouted "use your sling blade," (a horrible thing to yell, to be sure, but I was in the throes of passion) Angelina fell prey to one of her fits of jealousy and nearly smothered me with her massive artificial breasts.

Well, I woke up several hours later in a dank basement where Billy Bob had his way with me for days, feeding me only C-rations from some military campaign or other. He had saved me from Angelina by knocking her cold with a vicious uppercut and then claiming I was dead. He released me a day or two later and I didn't press charges because I had such a smashing good time!

Anyhow, Billy Bob "got with" Halle Berry in some movie or other this year, so I am close but no cigar, as you might say.

Tally ho!

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