Teatro Triste del Clown

Rejected Screenplay - Fuh Fuh Fuh

Fuh Fuh Fuh...
A Moving Film

FADE IN

A middle class elementary school assembly. Children are filing in. It is a large elementary school. Close ups of kids coming to their seats, pushing each other, smiling and laughing.

They are settled. A man in glasses, the PRINCIPAL, is at a podium. He is indicating with his hands that the kids should sit down.

PRINCIPAL
Children! Children!

Quiet at last. We see the children settled in.

PRINCIPAL
Good morning. To get us started today, here is fourth grade president Jamie Hoffman with the pledge of allegiance.

A cute little boy is standing next to a teacher, MRS. SMITHERS. He, JAMIE, looks up at her imploringly.

MRS SMITHERS
(smiling)
Go on, Jamie.

Nervously, JAMIE walks out to the front of the assembly. The PRINCIPAL sets up the microphone in front of him. He stares out at the audience, petrified. Silence. A nervous giggle from the audience somewhere.

JAMIE
I...

JAMIE looks over at MRS SMITHERS. She nods encouragingly.

JAMIE
I pee... pee... peee...

Somewhere, a couple more children start to giggle and snort.

JAMIE
I peeledge allegiance to the fuh... fuh...

The PRINCIPAL looks at MRS. SMITHERS, bemused.

JAMIE
Fuh... Fuh...

JAMIE is nervous. The crowd is starting to laugh.

JAMIE
Fuh... FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUH FUH FUCKING FUCK FUCK.

The PRINCIPAL and MRS. SMITHERS look alarmed. The auditorium falls silence.

JAMIE
FUCK FUCK MY ASSHOLE FUCKING FUCK DICKER FUCKING FUCK.

The PRINCIPAL, infuriated, grabs JAMIE and pulls him off stage. His rant continues.

JAMIE
EAT MY FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCK.

Cut to an office, later. JAMIE is sitting on a chair in the background.

JAMIE
Fuh Fuh Fuh

We pan over to a concerned looking mother, MRS. HOFFMAN. She has been crying. We hear the voice of BRAD, the school counselor.

BRAD
Mrs. Hoffman, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

MRS. HOFFMAN
What, doctor, what?

BRAD
Mrs. Hoffman, little Jamie is suffering from a medical condition.

MRS. HODDMAN
Oh my God.

BRAD
It is a disorder of the brain that compels him to swear.

MRS. HOFFMAN
Noooo... My baby has potty mouth.

BRAD slaps MRS. HOFFMAN.

BRAD
For God's sake, get hold of yourself Mrs. Hoffman. This is the twentieth century. We call it Tourette's Syndrome and its nothing to be ashamed of.

JAMIE
Fuck. Fuck the goat bitch fuck fuck.

Cut to a dinner table. MR. HOFFMAN is scowling.

MR. HOFFMAN
Turd what syndrome?

JAMIE
Fuck.

MRS. HOFFMAN
Tourette's Syndrome. It is a disorder that makes him shout out dirty words when he is stressed out.

JAMIE
Eat my hot fuck.

MR. HOFFMAN
You're no son of mine.

MR. HOFFMAN gets up and stalks away from the table.

JAMIE
No! Daddy, I love you fuckhead shit fuck!

MRS. HOFFMAN
It's just you and me now, sweetheart.

Cut to DR. BATES, a very caring looking female doctor. We are in a psychiatrist's office with teddy bear wallpaper. Any child who wasn't troubled before entering the office will, no doubt, be messed up after sitting in the office.

DR. BATES
Now Jamie, we need to find the route cause of your problem.

JAMIE
Cunty cunt cunt cunt.

DR. BATES
That isn't appropriate right now, Jamie.

JAMIE
I'm trying not to swuh... swuh... Swuh-fuck your skank bloody gash whore.

DR. BATES
Better.

Cut to the PRINCIPAL at the door to the school. JAMIE and MRS. HOFFMAN are being blocked from entering.

PRINCIPAL
I'm sorry Mrs. Hoffman...

JAMIE
Darn. Rats.

PRINCIPAL
We like Jamie. We all like Jamie.

JAMIE
Curses. Bollocks.

PRINCIPAL
But his language is unacceptable, syndrome or not.

JAMIE
Piss down my throat and crap into my anus.

MRS. HOFFMAN
We'll see about that.

Cut to JUDGE BAOER, in a courtroom. He is pounding the gavel. Each time the gavel hits, we hear Jamie exclaim "cumguzzler."

JUDGE
Order! Order!

Cut to a courtroom scene. MRS. HOFFMAN are JAMIE are sitting at one table, the PRINCIPAL and an OLD CORPORATE ATTORNEY are at the other table. The hero's YOUNG ATTORNEY is leaning on their table.

JUDGE
Please continue, Mr. Butts.

JAMIE
Ass. Ass ass.

YOUNG ATTORNEY
Thank you, your honor. In conclusion, when we, as a state, punish a little boy who swears uncontrollably...

A juror is weeping uncontrollably.

YOUNG ATTORNEY
Don't we really punish...

Even the OLD CORPORATE ATTORNEY is crying at this point.

YOUNG ATTORNEY
Ourselves?

The entire court, including the judge bursts into spontaneous applause.

JUDGE
The jury needn't go out. I find this little boy innocent and say he should be allowed to return to his school.

The court applauds. The YOUNG ATTORNEY and JAMIE are lifted on the shoulders of everyone.

JAMIE
Fuck my skull.

Cut to a new school assembly. The children are all wearing "Fucking Free Jamie" buttons. The PRINCIPAL is at the podium.

PRINCIPAL
Sometimes we even we adults get a little scare and make a mistake. With this in mind, I want to welcome back Jamie Hoffman on behalf of the entire school.

JAMIE enters and shakes the PRINCIPALS hand.

PRINCIPAL
Jamie, would you do the honors of reciting the pledge?

Close up on JAMIE, as his hand goes over his heart. Cut to the flag, waving proudly. Back to JAMIE.

JAMIE
I pledge allegfuck to the fuck of the fuck fuck fuck.

The entire crowd bursts into applause and the PRINCIPAL lifts JAMIE's hand in the air like he is a champion.

Freeze Frame of their smiling faces.

FADE TO BLACK

Everyone prepare to accept your Oscar.