More Rejected Stuff from VT - Written right before I went on my trip:

Sleep of the Just. Just what?

Sometimes I just fucking love life so much that I don’t want to miss a single moment of it. Sure, it is 3 in the morning and I need to work in four hours, but if I fall asleep, oh! the things I will miss! There are Shannon Tweed movies on cable! Dear friends to chat with on AIM! Hairs to obsessively pull out of my back!

Thus, I don’t sleep. This is not insomnia, which, to me, implies an unwillingness to be awake. Nay, nay! This is an exercise in pure will.

I have sometimes, of my own accord, gone for as many as seven days without sleep.

Let me tell you something I’ve learned. The brain needs sleep to process information. If you don’t sleep for enough days, you start to hallucinate. The audio hallucinations come first. Perhaps you will hear the sound of somebody knocking at some unseen door crying, “The lights! The lights!”

Next, come the visual hallucinations. At first, you just see things from the corners of your eyes, like you are being followed by some sort of evil shadow creature. Soon, the evil shadow creature gets tired of hiding and just walks in front of you, glaring. Eventually, he will want you to spend more quality time with him and will start to whine about how you never take him anyplace interesting, or how he doesn’t like Shannon Tweed.

Finally, the olfactory hallucinations kick in. I usually smell brownies, though I can never find any. The evil shadow creature usually denies any knowledge of them, but I see him flicking crumbs from the corner of his mouth. Is it so much to ask that my own hallucinations share with me?

I sometimes make the mistake of letting the evil shadow creature write updates for me. This is bad, because he is not real. I am sure his updates are brilliant, but he just looks like he is writing when he is probably really visiting camwhores or something.

Sometimes, I think that something I’ve done is just a hallucination, then wake up to find that I’ve bought a non-refundable ticket to Norway. That wasn’t lack of sleep, though. That was alchohol combined with some kind of conversation with Amanda about Norway.

Terror Incognito

Anyhow, I am traveling internationally in a few hours, so let me first say for all the world to read that, though I was born and raised in America, I have always considered myself Canadian. I have never actually been to Canada, but I always travel with a maple leaf on my jacket so I don’t get kidnapped or knifed.

I am particularly concerned this time because USA Vice President Dick Cheney recently came out and said that there will be more terrorist attacks.

Anyone who needed to be told this is the sort of person who would need to be told, “I realize you just took a dump, but you will need to take another one someday.”

Following a grand tradition of popular American political criticism, I am speaking out of complete ignorance here. I believe that most people outside of America know more about what is going on here than we Americans do. The sad fact of the matter is that we Americans do need to be told simple things like, “do not drink poison or it will kill you” and “remember to tie your shoes” and even “them terrorists sure is pissed off still!”

I believe part of this can be blamed on Shannon Tweed. Frankly, given the choice between seeking out accurate news reports and staring at her naked body on Cinemax, most normal people naturally choose the latter.

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