11.18.2002
Believe it or not, somebody found one of the plays from the Unlovely "week o' plays" and wanted to know if there was a sequal. Actually, there are two. I don't completely understand either of them anymore, but here is the first sequal to 'The Gospel According to Techman.'
The Second Gospel According to Techman
As Adapted from the "Salt Lake" Scrolls by Joey Michaels
Inspired by his Divine Mightiness, the T-Diety
And, of course, Techman
Our Loyal Cast
TECHMAN, a mystical being
GOD, the T-Diety
LUCIFER, Lord of the Sub-Stage
MAHALO, a being of Trash and generic arch-enemy
SHOP-KID, Son of God
CHORUS, of techies, actors, dancers, nymphs, satyrs and garbage
TECHMAN brings the lights up. A CHORUS of techies is laying down a dance floor.
TECHMAN: Hey, T-Diety! Where do you want this flat?
GOD descends down the spiral staircase from the heavens
GOD: Flat? Who the &*$# said anything about a flat? This is a dance concert! Get to work on the side light!
TECHMAN: But your note said...
TECHMAN looks more carefully at the note.
TECHMAN: Wait! Looking more closely at this note I can see the tell-tale spoor of my arch enemy, Mahalo, the trash monster! Obviously, he has returned to cause more trouble for the good cast of the Spring Dance Concert! Sorry, T-Diety, but my quest to eliminate Mahalo must take precedence over laying the dance floor!
GOD: Of course, Techman! Do what you must do! Your quest is sacred! But beware the substage! You have been warned!
TECHMAN: A Techman's gotta do what a Techman's gotta do and I, Techman, has got to do this!
TECHMAN swings off on a rope that conveniently drops down from the heavens for just such a purpose! GOD is alone with his CHORUS of techies who, due to TECHMAN's absence, lack direction.
GOD: Cursed be Mahalo! With Techman's guidance, how will this dance floor ever be properly laid? I cannot participate myself, or else I will lose stature as T-Diety. I was hoping it would not come to this, but I must ask my son to walk amongst men! Shop-Kid, come forth!
In a blinding puff from a handy flashpot, SHOP-KID emerges, but is lit aflame due to his proximity to the spark, and due to the fact that he's wearing oil soaked rags. He falls to the floor, apparently dead.
GOD: Of, my son, incinerated at such a young age! Alas, now I must sew him into my thigh or something or he won't come back to life. But wait! Three seconds later...
SHOP-KID rises.
SHOP-KID: Asbestos clothes! Asbestos clothes!
All the CHORUS, along with GOD and SHOP-KID gather around to do the "Dance of Asbestos Clothes," after which they get back to the plot.
GOD: Oh my beloved son, Shop-Kid, I ask that you walk amidst the techies, providing them with the guidance they need to prepare for the dance concert. Take thee this holy light plot and prepare to hang lights!
SHOP-KID: Hang the lights! Hang the Lights!
GOD ascends the staircase. The light hang commences, and the CHORUS does "The Dance of the Burnt Out 500 Watt Ellipsoidal Reflector Lamp." Suddenly, TECHMAN appears, locked in deadly battle with MAHALO! They role across the stage and vanish into the shop! All the CHORUS follows! SHOP-KID is left to himself, but soon, LUCIFER climbs up from a trap door!
LUCIFER: Hey! Shop-Kid! You God's son?
SHOP-KID: Yes! Yes!
LUCIFER: You got it all wrong! See what is says ther eon the plot? Well, you got the positioning all wrong! It's supposed to be lit down here - see this dark trap door that I just rose out of? OK? Capiche? So let's climb down there with some trees and some nice warm fresnels and get the hang going!
SHOP-KID: Light the substage! Light the substage!
They climb into the trap door with all the stuff listed and vanish. TECHMAN returns with an instrument plot.
TECHMAN: Shop-Kid! Now that I've defeated the trecherous Mahalo, I must warn you of its, uh, trecherous scheme! It had planned to replace all the burnt out 500 Watt lamps with 20,000,000 Watt lamps, capable of melting even the most sturdy dance floor! You must not hang those lights! Shop-Kid! Where are you?
A burst of intense, nearly radioactive, heat rises from the substage!
TECHMAN: Quick! Somebody turn up the air conditioning to a level that is unreasonably high for a building that is already abnormally cold!
Somebody does.
TECHMAN: Why, that evil being of the nether-world, Lucifer, must have lured poor Shop-Kid into the substage and had him hang the lights there in hopes that the substage would stop being the frozen realm it once was, particularly some of the nasties substage recesses, such as the conference room. Alas, now the substage is ablaze with lights of a wattage too powerful for their instruments, and Shop-Kid and Lucifer are trapped!
GOD descends.
GOD: Zounds! It looks like you've foiled Mahalo once again, but at what cost? My son is toast! Alas, now we must struggle against time to get the lights hung!
TECHMAN: Have no fear, oh T-Diety, I have a plan...
Lights fade to black and music of a tremendous fight scene occurs. As the house lights come up and the audience shuffles out to struggle with parking. Suddenly...
TECHMAN: We'll cancel the show!
The show ends.
The Second Gospel According to Techman
As Adapted from the "Salt Lake" Scrolls by Joey Michaels
Inspired by his Divine Mightiness, the T-Diety
And, of course, Techman
Our Loyal Cast
TECHMAN, a mystical being
GOD, the T-Diety
LUCIFER, Lord of the Sub-Stage
MAHALO, a being of Trash and generic arch-enemy
SHOP-KID, Son of God
CHORUS, of techies, actors, dancers, nymphs, satyrs and garbage
TECHMAN brings the lights up. A CHORUS of techies is laying down a dance floor.
TECHMAN: Hey, T-Diety! Where do you want this flat?
GOD descends down the spiral staircase from the heavens
GOD: Flat? Who the &*$# said anything about a flat? This is a dance concert! Get to work on the side light!
TECHMAN: But your note said...
TECHMAN looks more carefully at the note.
TECHMAN: Wait! Looking more closely at this note I can see the tell-tale spoor of my arch enemy, Mahalo, the trash monster! Obviously, he has returned to cause more trouble for the good cast of the Spring Dance Concert! Sorry, T-Diety, but my quest to eliminate Mahalo must take precedence over laying the dance floor!
GOD: Of course, Techman! Do what you must do! Your quest is sacred! But beware the substage! You have been warned!
TECHMAN: A Techman's gotta do what a Techman's gotta do and I, Techman, has got to do this!
TECHMAN swings off on a rope that conveniently drops down from the heavens for just such a purpose! GOD is alone with his CHORUS of techies who, due to TECHMAN's absence, lack direction.
GOD: Cursed be Mahalo! With Techman's guidance, how will this dance floor ever be properly laid? I cannot participate myself, or else I will lose stature as T-Diety. I was hoping it would not come to this, but I must ask my son to walk amongst men! Shop-Kid, come forth!
In a blinding puff from a handy flashpot, SHOP-KID emerges, but is lit aflame due to his proximity to the spark, and due to the fact that he's wearing oil soaked rags. He falls to the floor, apparently dead.
GOD: Of, my son, incinerated at such a young age! Alas, now I must sew him into my thigh or something or he won't come back to life. But wait! Three seconds later...
SHOP-KID rises.
SHOP-KID: Asbestos clothes! Asbestos clothes!
All the CHORUS, along with GOD and SHOP-KID gather around to do the "Dance of Asbestos Clothes," after which they get back to the plot.
GOD: Oh my beloved son, Shop-Kid, I ask that you walk amidst the techies, providing them with the guidance they need to prepare for the dance concert. Take thee this holy light plot and prepare to hang lights!
SHOP-KID: Hang the lights! Hang the Lights!
GOD ascends the staircase. The light hang commences, and the CHORUS does "The Dance of the Burnt Out 500 Watt Ellipsoidal Reflector Lamp." Suddenly, TECHMAN appears, locked in deadly battle with MAHALO! They role across the stage and vanish into the shop! All the CHORUS follows! SHOP-KID is left to himself, but soon, LUCIFER climbs up from a trap door!
LUCIFER: Hey! Shop-Kid! You God's son?
SHOP-KID: Yes! Yes!
LUCIFER: You got it all wrong! See what is says ther eon the plot? Well, you got the positioning all wrong! It's supposed to be lit down here - see this dark trap door that I just rose out of? OK? Capiche? So let's climb down there with some trees and some nice warm fresnels and get the hang going!
SHOP-KID: Light the substage! Light the substage!
They climb into the trap door with all the stuff listed and vanish. TECHMAN returns with an instrument plot.
TECHMAN: Shop-Kid! Now that I've defeated the trecherous Mahalo, I must warn you of its, uh, trecherous scheme! It had planned to replace all the burnt out 500 Watt lamps with 20,000,000 Watt lamps, capable of melting even the most sturdy dance floor! You must not hang those lights! Shop-Kid! Where are you?
A burst of intense, nearly radioactive, heat rises from the substage!
TECHMAN: Quick! Somebody turn up the air conditioning to a level that is unreasonably high for a building that is already abnormally cold!
Somebody does.
TECHMAN: Why, that evil being of the nether-world, Lucifer, must have lured poor Shop-Kid into the substage and had him hang the lights there in hopes that the substage would stop being the frozen realm it once was, particularly some of the nasties substage recesses, such as the conference room. Alas, now the substage is ablaze with lights of a wattage too powerful for their instruments, and Shop-Kid and Lucifer are trapped!
GOD descends.
GOD: Zounds! It looks like you've foiled Mahalo once again, but at what cost? My son is toast! Alas, now we must struggle against time to get the lights hung!
TECHMAN: Have no fear, oh T-Diety, I have a plan...
Lights fade to black and music of a tremendous fight scene occurs. As the house lights come up and the audience shuffles out to struggle with parking. Suddenly...
TECHMAN: We'll cancel the show!
The show ends.
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