11.23.2002
Presented here, for the first time online, is "The Third Gospel According to Techman."
I confess here and now that I have virtually no memory of the in jokes contained within this script. Keep in mind that when I say "ten minute play," I mean I wrote it in ten minutes. If you can explain it, please let me know.
The THIRD Gospel According to Techman
Joey Michaels, leading you into the past through the future
Dedicated, with extreme devotion, to Techman
Holy WTF!
Cast of Characters this Chapter
TECHMAN, The Favorite Servant of the T-Diety
SHOP KID, Son of the T-Diety
BAN BAN, Non-Believer
TALLER TECHMAN, Misguided Mortal
LUCIFER, Fallen Angel who has learned his lesson good this time
T-DIETY, He whom we all fall to our knees and worship
TECHMAN and SHOP KID are on stage. TECHMAN has an arrow embedded in his side and lies on the ground.
SHOP KID: Get away moths! Get away moths! You won't get me! You won't get me!
TECHMAN: Curs'd be these moths! What curious shepard could have imparted them to fire yon missle into my side hither? Alack!
SHOP KID: I'll get you to the shade! I'll get you to the shade! Because I don't know the true meaning of the light! Let me tell you a story! Let me tell you a story!
SHOP KID drags TECHMAN offstage. Enter LUCIFER, with a pile of programs in his hands, and BAN BAN
LUCIFER: Did you see that? It seems that Techman is wounded most gravely! What a chance this is to get back into the T-Diety's good graces!
BAN BAN: Good graces? Fie! What a chance this is to make a new Techman! Make a note of it in the program! Now there will be a new Techman and this time, I'll choose him!
LUCIFER: Ban Ban!!! You know not what you say! The power of Techman is only to be replaced by one of the T-Diety's choosing! And we do not know if Techman has really died! Do not forget that his son, Shop Kid, rises from the dead and he is a mere mortal, not a being of the ether like myself or Techman! You, too, are mortal! Oh, rue the day you mess with Techman! Forget not that he who sows a whirlwind will reap a harvest of pain.
BAN BAN: Silly Lucifer! The T-Diety is a myth! Techman is just a symbol! I will now choose a new one and inheret all of the real Techman's followers.
BAN BAN exits, laughing.
LUCIFER: No! Don't dare! You mess with powers beyond your imagining! He has no left! But what of me? How will I regain the good favors of the T-Diety, so that I may plot and scheme and stamp my boot and make all of the heavens tremble? Ha ha ha! I will get back in the T-Diety's good graces if only to topple him and ursurp his spot for myself!
A single spotlight comes up on LUCIFER.
LUCIFER: Alas! Using his unavoidable spotlight of detection, the T-Diety has found me out and upset my scheme! I'd best re-edit this program to include the name of the new Techman! I don't know why!
Exit LUCIFER. Enter BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN, who is more like Bowzer from Sha Na Na in appearance than like our hero.
BAN BAN: From thousands, or at least tens, I have chosen you to be the succesor to the throne of Techman! You are possessed of the dark glasses so that when you must rig up the sun Liko, you will not burn out your retinas! You are possessed of the thick jacket so that when you mist slide beneath seating risers to disassemble and reassemble them, your flesh will not be rended on the jagged materials beneath the the risers! Yes, a little modern technology can easily duplicate all of Techman's skills! Bwah ha ha ha!
TALLER TECHMAN: But what if the real Techman should return?
BAN BAN: Never happen! Never happen! Gads, I speak like Shop Kid all of a sudden! Why, Techman was felled by an arrow! But enough on him! Let's talk about your first job! See where Techman put the sun? Well, I want you to move it fifteen feet to the left. That'll teach the T-Diety's followed that he doesn't exist!
TALLER TECHMAN: OK, you're the boss.
TALLER TECHMAN goes to move the sun and is instantly incinerated, but the sun moves fifteen feet to the left and a second actor playing TALLER TECHMAN comes forward.
TALLER TECHMAN: Is that better?
BAN BAN: Much better! Now, let's hide over here and watch the fun!
They hide. Enter LUCIFER and T-DIETY looking at the program.
LUCIFER: It's a little messy. Ok, a lot messy. OK, I put almost no time more than I had to into it. OK, I let my cat do it after giving it tequila shots. OK, I also let it eat the worm. But it's not my fault that Techman is listed with another actor's name next to it. Ban Ban requested that.
T-DIETY: Shit. Somebody moved my F***ing sun fifteen feet to the left. I'd better use my divine powers to slide it back.
Sun slides back instantly and the chared remains of the first TALLER TECHMAN fall out as it moves.
T-DIETY: What's this? Ashes? I'd best speak to them. Yo, ashes.
ASHES: Yes, O mighty one?
T-DIETY: What were you doing in my sun? Was Gabriel putting out his cigars in it again?
ASHES: No, illustrious one. I was once an actor playing Taller Techman, the evil substitute of Techman, but was turned to ash when I moved the sun fifteen feet to the left and replaced by another actor.
LUCIFER: Damn. Another program change.
T-DIETY: Enough of this bull hockey. Yo! Techman! Shop Kid! Come out!
TECHMAN and SHOP KID come out, smoking.
T-DIETY: What the f*** is the deal with the cigerettes?
TECHMAN: We're doing a scene for Gabriel and he needs us to smoke.
SHOP KID: Look, ashes! Look, ashes! He understands the true meaning of the sun! He understands the true meaning of the sun!
T-DIETY: Look at this program, Techman!
TECHMAN reads the program, raises an eyebrow, pulls out a hot glue gun, aims it in the direction of where BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN are hiding and let's loose a twenty minutes stream of hot glue. He then goes to the hiding places and brings out two solid, glues up humanoids, much like BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN
BAN BAN: (Statue) Curse you, Techman!
THE END
I confess here and now that I have virtually no memory of the in jokes contained within this script. Keep in mind that when I say "ten minute play," I mean I wrote it in ten minutes. If you can explain it, please let me know.
The THIRD Gospel According to Techman
Joey Michaels, leading you into the past through the future
Dedicated, with extreme devotion, to Techman
Holy WTF!
Cast of Characters this Chapter
TECHMAN, The Favorite Servant of the T-Diety
SHOP KID, Son of the T-Diety
BAN BAN, Non-Believer
TALLER TECHMAN, Misguided Mortal
LUCIFER, Fallen Angel who has learned his lesson good this time
T-DIETY, He whom we all fall to our knees and worship
TECHMAN and SHOP KID are on stage. TECHMAN has an arrow embedded in his side and lies on the ground.
SHOP KID: Get away moths! Get away moths! You won't get me! You won't get me!
TECHMAN: Curs'd be these moths! What curious shepard could have imparted them to fire yon missle into my side hither? Alack!
SHOP KID: I'll get you to the shade! I'll get you to the shade! Because I don't know the true meaning of the light! Let me tell you a story! Let me tell you a story!
SHOP KID drags TECHMAN offstage. Enter LUCIFER, with a pile of programs in his hands, and BAN BAN
LUCIFER: Did you see that? It seems that Techman is wounded most gravely! What a chance this is to get back into the T-Diety's good graces!
BAN BAN: Good graces? Fie! What a chance this is to make a new Techman! Make a note of it in the program! Now there will be a new Techman and this time, I'll choose him!
LUCIFER: Ban Ban!!! You know not what you say! The power of Techman is only to be replaced by one of the T-Diety's choosing! And we do not know if Techman has really died! Do not forget that his son, Shop Kid, rises from the dead and he is a mere mortal, not a being of the ether like myself or Techman! You, too, are mortal! Oh, rue the day you mess with Techman! Forget not that he who sows a whirlwind will reap a harvest of pain.
BAN BAN: Silly Lucifer! The T-Diety is a myth! Techman is just a symbol! I will now choose a new one and inheret all of the real Techman's followers.
BAN BAN exits, laughing.
LUCIFER: No! Don't dare! You mess with powers beyond your imagining! He has no left! But what of me? How will I regain the good favors of the T-Diety, so that I may plot and scheme and stamp my boot and make all of the heavens tremble? Ha ha ha! I will get back in the T-Diety's good graces if only to topple him and ursurp his spot for myself!
A single spotlight comes up on LUCIFER.
LUCIFER: Alas! Using his unavoidable spotlight of detection, the T-Diety has found me out and upset my scheme! I'd best re-edit this program to include the name of the new Techman! I don't know why!
Exit LUCIFER. Enter BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN, who is more like Bowzer from Sha Na Na in appearance than like our hero.
BAN BAN: From thousands, or at least tens, I have chosen you to be the succesor to the throne of Techman! You are possessed of the dark glasses so that when you must rig up the sun Liko, you will not burn out your retinas! You are possessed of the thick jacket so that when you mist slide beneath seating risers to disassemble and reassemble them, your flesh will not be rended on the jagged materials beneath the the risers! Yes, a little modern technology can easily duplicate all of Techman's skills! Bwah ha ha ha!
TALLER TECHMAN: But what if the real Techman should return?
BAN BAN: Never happen! Never happen! Gads, I speak like Shop Kid all of a sudden! Why, Techman was felled by an arrow! But enough on him! Let's talk about your first job! See where Techman put the sun? Well, I want you to move it fifteen feet to the left. That'll teach the T-Diety's followed that he doesn't exist!
TALLER TECHMAN: OK, you're the boss.
TALLER TECHMAN goes to move the sun and is instantly incinerated, but the sun moves fifteen feet to the left and a second actor playing TALLER TECHMAN comes forward.
TALLER TECHMAN: Is that better?
BAN BAN: Much better! Now, let's hide over here and watch the fun!
They hide. Enter LUCIFER and T-DIETY looking at the program.
LUCIFER: It's a little messy. Ok, a lot messy. OK, I put almost no time more than I had to into it. OK, I let my cat do it after giving it tequila shots. OK, I also let it eat the worm. But it's not my fault that Techman is listed with another actor's name next to it. Ban Ban requested that.
T-DIETY: Shit. Somebody moved my F***ing sun fifteen feet to the left. I'd better use my divine powers to slide it back.
Sun slides back instantly and the chared remains of the first TALLER TECHMAN fall out as it moves.
T-DIETY: What's this? Ashes? I'd best speak to them. Yo, ashes.
ASHES: Yes, O mighty one?
T-DIETY: What were you doing in my sun? Was Gabriel putting out his cigars in it again?
ASHES: No, illustrious one. I was once an actor playing Taller Techman, the evil substitute of Techman, but was turned to ash when I moved the sun fifteen feet to the left and replaced by another actor.
LUCIFER: Damn. Another program change.
T-DIETY: Enough of this bull hockey. Yo! Techman! Shop Kid! Come out!
TECHMAN and SHOP KID come out, smoking.
T-DIETY: What the f*** is the deal with the cigerettes?
TECHMAN: We're doing a scene for Gabriel and he needs us to smoke.
SHOP KID: Look, ashes! Look, ashes! He understands the true meaning of the sun! He understands the true meaning of the sun!
T-DIETY: Look at this program, Techman!
TECHMAN reads the program, raises an eyebrow, pulls out a hot glue gun, aims it in the direction of where BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN are hiding and let's loose a twenty minutes stream of hot glue. He then goes to the hiding places and brings out two solid, glues up humanoids, much like BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN
BAN BAN: (Statue) Curse you, Techman!
THE END
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