I Think I'm Dumb, But I Can Pretend

I am covered in black paint. No. Really. Head to toe. It is all over me.

As some of you know, I spend time volunteering at a local theatre sometimes. I have discussed this recently here. If you don't wish to click there, here is what I wrote:

I wish I could dress normal today, but, unfortunately, my arms are peppered with splinters.

Yesterday, I spent the day doing set construction and, as always, I was assigned to the jigsaw. You would think the lawsuit would have prevented that, or that the missing thumb would have let the technical director in on the fact that I am a danger to all humanity when equipped with power tools. Alas, the jigsaw was shoved into my four-fingered paw and I was assigned to cut large, stenciled letters out of a couple of boards.

I remember somebody saying something about proper safety gear once, but I was flirting with one of the actesses at the time and sort of missed what they said. This was in the 1980s. So, there I was, in my Wile E. Coyote t-shirt carving out letters. I decided that "M" sucks the most, as far as letters to jigsaw go, though I didn't have to do "Q."

Splinters and sawdust flew everywhere. After taking a particularly large lungfull of sawdust, it dawned on me that I should be wearing a mask or something. I went to look for a mask and realized, from my blindness, that I should probably find safety goggles as well. So, blind, choking and, yes, bleeding from the head and arms, I stumbled into the tool room and managed to knock over a stack of flats onto myself, badly spraining my wrist and puncturing my bare foot.

As the T.D. and I nursed my wounds with hydroen peroxide and iodine, we had a good laugh. Anyhow, today I look like a mummy, with bandages wrapped up and down both arms and covering my mouth.

So, I volunteered there again this weekend and today I was wisely assigned to paint. Unwisely, they asked me to do this on top of one of those long things that you lean against a wall and then climb it. You know, the thing that looks like a big letter "H" with many more wooden plank things between the two sides of the "H?"

Anyhow, I left the paint up there, but, gravity being in effect, I soon was wearing most of the paint. I tried to get it off by pouring paint remover on myself, but got some in my eyes, which stung like hell. By this time, all the people around me were backing up, saying things like, "remember what happened last week" and "dear lord, watch out for the table saw." Yeah, like I could see anything by that time.

So, it was another trip to the hospital for me. They said I would still be able to have children, but that I should pee sitting down for a few weeks. No problem.

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