Coming Attractions 

Reprinted from Chickenlegs - 9/02/02

Coming Soon!
Real Life Conversations With My Girlfriend's Drug Addict Brother!
In Amazing 2-D!



Surprisingly Tedious!

Here's a sample:

HIM: I used to hang around this ice dealer named Jose. Jose and this other drug dealer were fucking this chick who they thought was, like, 29. But then, after they had fucked her, they found out she was 14, so they took a chain saw and cut her in half.

ME: Jesus Christ! Why the hell did they do that?

HIM: Yeah, I think they were mad that she tricked them into breaking the law. They buried her in this place where they'd buried like 30 other people they'd killed. They found all the bodies a few years ago when they were dredging it so they could build a Burger King.

ME: That is the most awful thing I've ever heard in my life.

HIM: Yeah, fucking fast food. It used to be a nice park.

ME: No, fucktard, I mean about the girl being cut in half.

HIM: No man, it's all good, though. They were arrested and sent to jail.

ME: Thank God. So you turned them in when you heard they did it?

HIM: Fuck no. They would have cut me off. They bragged to a cop about it or something.


HIM: I love her so much. She's like my lover and my sister and my mother and my wife and my guru, my lover and my friend and my wife and my muse and my girlfriend and... uh... did I say wife?

ME: Yes. Twice.

HIM: Yeah, that too.


ME: Why are you here?

HIM: Isn't my sister here?

ME: No. I told you she isn't home.

HIM: Oh. When is she getting back?

ME: I don't know. So why are you here?

HIM: Isn't my sister here?


HIM: So then Jimmy overdosed in the bathtub and we checked his wallet and stuck him out on the window ledge because he figured he was dead and we were worried that if somebody saw the body that we'd all get busted.

ME: Wait. You mean you took him out of a bathtub where nobody could see him and stuck him outside on a window ledge where the whole world could see him in order to hide the body?

HIM: When you put it like that you make us sound stupid or something. Jeez. People could see him in the bathtub.

ME: Who could see him in the bathtub?

HIM: Well, I did every time I went to take a whiz.


HIM: Have you ever shot heroin?

ME: I'm straight edge. I don't do any drugs ever. Ever.

HIM: Well, if you ever do heroin and you have to detox, it's a good idea to do ice for, like, six days, because after six days of doing ice the withdrawal symptoms aren't so bad and you can get some sleep. That's why I don't understand all of these people who are all, like, "oh! ice is a bad thing," because it helps you detox and shit. I'm on it right now and I feel much better.

ME: I'm going to call the police.

HIM: Don't bother. I smoked it all on your stairs there before you came home, so I don't have anything on me. Man, your neighbors are real jerks. I mean, do you see a "No Smoking" sign around here. Assholes. Hey, is my sister here?


Yes, now you, too, can experience the conversations I go through every Sunday*! Live the glamorous, fast paced life of hopeless drug addiction!

* Except for the Sundays that he is in jail or is having a hard time finding his dealer.

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