Reprinted from Chickenlegs - 12/25/02

All right, this is going to get gross. You have been warned.

I like that “empty” feeling. You know the one I’m talking about. You’ve been carrying a load around all day, you go to the toilet with your copy of Gravity’s Rainbow, and you evacuate. If it is a good day, you evacuate a ton. You worry that you are going to clog up the toilet. You’ve done it. You know what I mean.

There are times that I am even sad that I can’t evacuate any more.

Anyhow, afterwards, after the wiping and the hand washing, you are able to just stand there and feel all empty and stuff. There is almost no more perfect, aesthetic experience than this.

Or so I thought.

I have had this cough for the last couple of days that I just couldn’t get rid of. No other symptoms, just a cough. This morning, I woke up and had a stuffed up nose to match it.

It was one of those aggravating, stuffed up on one side only stuffed nose experiences. I tried to blow the side that was stuffed up, but mostly just hyperventilated. Nothing - and I mean nothing - was coming out. I could feel the air rushing by a reservoir of snot somewhere, but it wasn’t moving.

That is when I noticed that the other side of my nose was clogged up, too. I took in an enormous breath and BAM. The biggest, crustiest, most solid booger in history came out of my right nostril. It felt like somebody had shot a bullet covered with sandpaper out of my nose. It was so huge, I wanted to show somebody.

Before I could, I felt what could only be described as a gurgle and then, without blowing, the reservoir broke in the left nostril and a ton of snot poured out. It looked like the baby version of The Blob. Dude, it was vile.

Anyhow, it took me a moment to throw it all away. Plus, I had to change shirts. Afterwards, however, I felt that empty feeling, except in my head instead of in my colon. It was like discovering that a different part of your body, like your index finger or something, was able to have an orgasm.

This really was the best Christmas ever.

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