Modest Proposal Originally Untitled 

Reprinted from Chickenlegs - 11/07/02

Finding willing soldiers in times of war is often a difficult thing to do. College age students, particularly boys, realize that war could mean death and that dead men don't shag. In addition, politicians, ever wary about re-election, won't want to shout "draft," as the very dim-witted people who voted for them will likely be the first ones killed on the sands of battle. Hence, we are facing a serious issue of recruitment here in the months leading up to Gulf War II.

I have come up with a modest proposal to solve this problem.

I propose that we actively and aggressively recruit teenage boys into the military. Specifically, I propose that we recruit boys ages 13-15 into the army and marines. Older boys can join the air force or navy with a parental permission slip.

This will solve several problems.

First, teenage boys tend to be more stupid about their own mortality than older kids. Most figure they are indestructible. I think if we create a military style "Jackass" type show where teenage soldiers do dumb stuff and hurt themselves on MTV, we could fill up the ranks pretty quickly. "Skate hard and eat sand" could be our recruiting slogan. Anyhow, when the bombs start dropping and the bullets start flying, we get them to make light of people's mortal wounds. "Ha ha! Billy got his stupid head blown off. Asshole." Lacking any sense of connection to other human beings, they will be a little bummed that some of their buddies are gone, but they will soon forget them. Instead of killed, we can use the euphemism "expelled from the army" or "transferred to another school." They'll forget them soon enough.

Next, teenage boys are very willing to play with guns. Witness the popularity of first person shooter games, like QuakeTM or DoomTM. Why, put a real gun in their hands and they'll be ready to start shooting real people in no time. We just need to give colorful, demonic sounding names to the various people they will be attacking. Its not an Iraqi civilian, for example, its a Level 10 Kragnasty or something. We tell them that Saddam is the "boss" monster and send them out into the desert. At least one of them will make it his personal goal to kill the boss and "win" the level.

Teenage boys are easy to control. Sometimes, adult soldier question their commanders. Teenage boys questions things all the time, but teenage boys can generally be controlled by using the "f" word. No, not fornication! I am talking about "fag."

"Hey, Billy. Those Iraqis over there just called you a 'fag.'"

"I'll kill them."

War begins! Hurray! Their homophobia and unchecked temper can make them deadly weapons of war. Plus, homophobia is already welcome in the armed services. We just need to get the homophobia out of the closet and onto the battle field.

Finally, teenage boys are expendable. We kill thousands, maybe millions, every year in cities across them United States and, yet, there seems to be a never ending supply of them. Why waste their lives in civilian gang related violence when they can be part of the biggest and best fricken gang on the entire planet? Army green can be the new "colors" for teenagers across America.

What is in it for the teenagers? Well, first there is the sense of belonging that comes from being part of an organized team. Since guns tend to make individual athletic prowess a little moot, even some of the dorkier kids will be able to fit in. Next, we will let them drive stuff. Not just cars - they can drive tanks, motorcycles with World War II style sidecars, camels, you name it. Finally, the young girls love a boy in uniform. This will not, of course, increase the boys' chances of scoring, but we can tell them it will, which will be sort of a permanent carrot to lead our young donkeys into battle.

I think you will agree that this is a sane, rational plan and that it could revolutionize American warfare. Thank you, and God Bless America.

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