Just a quick little tip today, ladies.

If you want to meet cute firemen, cook drunk.

And nude.
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Air Rage

Hello Dearies! Lady Potamus here!

Well, I want to just say that my dear Joey Michaels is a real smart cookie. Just wanted to mention it.

Anyhow, as you all know, I've been in London attending the funeral of the Queen Mum. Ah, tears, tears.

On my flight back, I decided to fly first class. I deserve it and, after all, J. D. Salinger is footing the bills.

Well, who should be in first class, but recently aquited R.E.M. guitarist Peter Buck. I expected that he would be on his best behavior, in light of the little "alleged event," so I went over and threw myself on his lap saying, "Hello, Petie boy, how about showing an old lady a good time."

Well, the next thing I knew, I was covered in yogurt, from head to toe! It was like that time I toured with Ozzy Osbourne, except that it was goat's urine instead of yogurt that time.

Anyhow, I retaliated by sticking cashews up Mr. Buck's nose. Soon, I had all of first class in a massive food fight. It was glorious.

Bono, who was traveling coach to save money, came forward to see what the ruckus was all about. Alas, as the great Irish singer walked into the cabin, I had just tossed a bottle of champagne after a fleeing flight attendent. Bono caught it straight across the forehead and collapsed to the ground.

Ah, they don't make singers like they used to. If I had decked Enrico Caruso with a bottle - and I did - he would have just lifted me over his shoulder and given me a good spanking. Well, thats what we called it in those days.

When Bono came too, Pete decided to have some fun with him.

"Wha... wha happened..."

"Oh, Bono, world peace has been declared and you brought it about. Well done!"

"I knew it was only a matter of time."

"Plus, you discovered you could fly on your own."

"Well, I've always known that."

With that, Bono leapt out of the airplane. I gasped with fear, but Pete just shook his head, put on a parachute that he carries with him whenever he travels with Bono (apparently this is not the first time that Bono thought he could fly) and leapt out the window after him. Apparently, Pete caught the "flying" U2 front man a mile below the plane, opened his chute and landed the pair of them on a speed boat being driven by Naomi Cambell.

Some singers have all the luck.

Anyhow, I was arrested in New York for causing a disturbance on a plane and deported back to Canada. Just as well. New Yorkers are so uptight these days.

Cheers, all!
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