Teatro Triste del Clown

I confess. I am a hub.

Recently, a friend of mine, let us call him "Anthony," started to make a chart of who amongst our immediate circle of friends had slept with whom.

It looked like a genealogy tree gone horribly awry. Anthony called it the "Circle of Sin."

The chart was incredibly detailed. I was stunned to learn that nine of the people I have been "attached" to were public knowledge. Well, at least public now that the chart was going around.

I am pretty good about keeping my mouth shut about my affairs. First, it sounds like bragging. Second, I wrongly thought the women wouldn't want me to treat them like "conquests" when, in fact, I was the conquest. Third, I'm not always proud of the things I do.

Anyhow, Anthony happily told me I was a "hub." This meant that I was attached to over eight people. My name looked like the center of a bicycle wheel.

I was connected to "Joy," who was also a hub, perhaps the biggest hub on the chart. She was, in turn, attached to a couple of the other big hubs. This means that I was linked, through sex, to about two or three hundred people - and these were just people that were "public knowledge."

On the plus side, I was linked through about eight steps to the Beastie Boys. On the minus side, I was linked by about through one woman to a Republican. On the plus side, I was linked directly to a local model. On the minus side, I was linked through about 5 people to a 14-year-old. Yuck.

Anthony gleefully pointed out that if one specific person had AIDS, and a chain of us had had unprotected sex, "we'd all be dead soon." He seemed unusually excited about this, especially in light of the fact that he was in the middle of this possible chain of death.

While compiling his masterwork (over a case of beer), Anthony had come up with a rather unique definition of "having sex." He determined that people who had actual intercourse would get a solid line. However, he also decided that folks who had engaged in "mutual intent to orgasm" had had sex.

This meant that if "Joy" and "Bob" had gotten together and each had intended to have an orgasm, it counted as "having sex."

This sparked some controversy, as at least one "technical" virgin found herself on the list linked to five guys (and two women) for oral sex. She felt this was unfair, but Anthony wouldn't hear of removing her from the Circle.

I find myself wondering, however, if such a list could be created for the Interweb world. I realize I would appear nowhere on it, as I am incapable of NetMeeting due to lack of both a web cam and a willingness to appear on camera even if I had one.

However, that being said, could this Circle exist? Who would be qualified to compile and maintain it? What horrible power would the person who had this list wield? Would they use it for good or for ill? Could it even be used for good at all?

I tremble at the thought.