3.09.2002
Screenplay Graveyard
Another rejected screenplay for Amanda this morning. She may have published "Ninja from the North," but other, more sucky screenplays have come here to die.
In other news, I am putting lots of effort into this blog and am having my doubts about whether anyone reads it or not. If you are reading this now, send me some love.
Now, the screenplay:
Voice Chat
Screenplay
We see a web browser screen. It is blank. We hear voices talking – HUNGSTUD sounds like he is speaking over a computer speaker, which he is.
HUNGSTUD
Do you see it yet?
AXWIELDER9
Its still loading.
HUNGSTUD
You must have the slowest connection in the world.
AXWIELDER9
It’s AOL.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, AOL is pretty fast if you have a decent connection.
AXWIELDER9
I’m using my 46k Modem.
HUNGSTUD
I don’t think there is such a thing.
We see the title of the movie “VOICE CHAT” appear on the screen. It is clear that there are several more graphics that need to load still.
AXWIELDER9
Wait! I see something.
HUNGSTUD
Pretty hot, huh?
AXWIELDER9
It just says Voice Chat.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, your connection really sucks.
AXWIELDER9
Yeah, my parents don’t want to spend the money on a better connection.
We see some of the names of the cast appearing on the screen in other graphic areas. No pictures yet.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, why don’t you spend some of your money on it?
AXWIELDER9
I don’t have a job.
HUNGSTUD
Hey, if your parents are cool enough to let you live at home, you should at least get some work.
AXWIELDER9
I’m only in the tenth grade.
HUNGSTUD
Oh.
AXWIELDER9
Yeah, if I had a job, I would so move out.
HUNGSTUD
Yeah…
AXWIELDER9
I don’t want to be one of those guys who is 30 and still living with his parents.
A graphic has finally appeared on the screen. It is a cheesy animated flame.
AXWIELDER9
Hey, I think it is finished loading.
HUNGSTUD
Pretty hot, huh?
AXWIELDER9
I see some flames.
HUNGSTUD
Cool, right?
AXWIELDER9
Dude, I waited five minutes to see some cheesy straight from “Diablo” style flames?
HUNGSTUD
Dude, they rock.
Cut to AXWIELDER9, who looks all of 12 years old. He is sitting in a pretty well lit room. His room is covered in baseball paraphernalia – specifically for the Chicago White Sox. He doesn’t look particularly geeky – black hair, decent height and weight – but he’s still young. He is wearing a headset so he can speak to his computer friends.
AXWIELDER9
Screw this. I’m going back to playing Stracraft.
Loud music and any other credits we need to see happen at this point. We cut to a dark room. It looks like somebody was doing some sort of financial paperwork that they didn’t quite finish on their bed – maybe paying bills or taxes. We hear HUNGSTUD talking somewhere in the room.
HUNGSTUD
You are so hot, Baby.
BABY’s voice sounds hot and sultry. She is talking over the computer speaker.
BABY
You all say that.
HUNGSTUD
Really – you are so hot.
We see the back of HUNGSTUD. He is hunched over his computer. He has a Prince Valiant style haircut – we suspect he might look like Sonny Bono. He wears a wife beater and (hopefully) boxer shorts. We have reason to fear that he might not be wearing the boxer shorts at the moment.
BABY
So, Hungstud, you know something about “Hamlet?”
HUNGSTUD
Shakespeare’s greatest play, Baby. Why don’t you take off your shirt?
BABY
I can’t. I have a paper due tomorrow.
We see over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder onto his computer screen. We see a cam image of BABY. She is all blonde and perky – Brittany Spears without the recording contract. She wears a spaghetti strap shirt – pink. She is giving the finger to the camera in the image. We hear another voice, MXMIMPACT, over the computer.
MXMIMPACT
I could help you with that paper, Baby. Private with me.
BABY
I’m not falling for that again, Max.
We hear several different voices laughing over the speaker. In the cam image, BABY is now typing.
We are now in a different room. We are looking at the face of a college-aged guy. He wears a baseball hat that says CAT DIESEL POWER on it. This is MXMIMPACT. Behind him, we see a faux-wood wall with a Pamela Anderson poster on it. MXMIMPACT is still laughing.
MXMIMPACT
Aw, come on! My site needs new pics.
BABY
You are such a perv.
MXMIMPACT
You love it, baby.
HARDHAT69
Fag.
MXMIMPACT
You’re the fag.
We are now in the cubicle of HARDHAT69. He is in a more or less deserted office building. We hear the sounds of a distant vacuum cleaner. HARDHAT69 is sitting at a desk with a picture of what are probably his wife and two young children.
HARDHAT69
You’re the fag.
BABY
Shut up. I need to learn about Hamlet.
We are now looking over HARDHAT69’s shoulder. The Image of BABY has changed to her combing her hair.
AXWIELDER9
Your school sucks. We don’t have to read Shakespeare until we are seniors.
BABY
You are so lucky, Ax.
HARDHAT69
Sounds like a fag school.
We have spun around and are looking into HARDHAT69’s face. He has receding hair, round glass, and a hatchet like face. The light of the computer screen reflects off of his glasses. He looks straight out of Orwell’s “1984.”
MXMIMPACT
What is your problem, Hardhat69?
HARDHAT69
You’re my problem, fag.
BABY
Don’t make me boot you again, Hard.
HARDHAT69
Go ahead and boot me, whore.
We hear a cheesy noise.
HARDHAT69
Fucking cunt.
Cut to AXWIELDER9’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to MXMIMPACT’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to HUNGSTUD’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to SHIVA’s face. She is laughing.
Cut to BABY’s room. We don’t see BABY, but we see an unmade pink bed.
BABY
Fucker.
Cut to CATMAN’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to MIKA22m’s face. He is staring blankly at the screen, his enormous pudgy, pasty face a mask of indifference. His mouth hangs open. He needs a bath.
Cut back to SHIVA’s face. She is probably 25 or so. She is sitting back with a glass of wine. Some sort of romantic music plays in the background – Barry White or some such. As with all the rooms, we hear voices over the computer speaker. SHIVA is slightly overweight. She has light brown hair and wears an oriental bathrobe.
SHIVA
Well done, Baby.
MXMIMPACT
Who’s the fag now, loser.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, he can’t hear you.
MXMIMPACT
I know he can’t hear me.
SHIVA
Boys, settle down.
HUNGSTUD
All right, Shiva.
MXMIMPACT
Shiva, you are a babe.
AXWIELDER9
You are a total babe, Shiva.
SHIVA
Compliments will get you everywhere, boys.
CATMAN
Do you have a cam, Shiva?
SHIVA
Only for very private moments, Catman.
Cut to CATMAN. He is 17 or 18. Probably in his own bedroom. He is staring at the computer screen (and us) with great interest.
SHIVA
Are you interested in a private moment, Kitty?
BABY
You guys!
CATMAN
Want to go to Netmeeting?
SHIVA
Not one for foreplay, Kitty?
CATMAN
WHOA! Woo Hoo!
Cut to the view over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. BABY has lifted up her shirt in the cam image, revealing her lacey pink bra. Her larger than attractive breasts are straining against the fabric. When the DVD of this movie comes out, this will be one of the images people freeze and screen capture for “topless girls in the movies” sort of sites. They will put it in the same screen capture directory as their images of Thora Birch topless from “American Beauty.”
HUNGSTUD
Oh yeah!
We hear other male voices over the computer speaker saying things like “Sproing,” and “Who let the dogs out” and other typical men watching a girl get topless things. Cut to MICA22m’s face. His expression is unchanged. He lets out a tiny grunt of some sorts. The sort of sound you’d expect a silverback gorilla to make when it is taking a massive poop.
Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
Damn, Baby, you have some hot boobs.
BABY
Stop!
MXMIMPACT
It’s nice to see the twins again.
AXWIELDER9
He he – twins.
HUNGSTUD
You shouldn’t be watching this, Ax. You’re too young.
AXWIELDER9
She’s too young for you, John.
HUNGSTUD
Hey, if she is old enough to flash ‘em, she’s old enough for me.
BABY
Ewwwww. John, stop it.
Cut to SHIVA’s place. She is smoking a cigarette.
SHIVA
Welcome JohnHenry.
BABY
Hi JohnHenry.
CATMAN
Hi JohnHerny.
Cut to HARDHAT69 in his office.
HARDHAT69
Hi all. I’ve never been here before. Who is the cute girl on the cam?
MXMIMPACT
That’s Baby.
HARDHAT69
That’s funny, because it looks like Susan Anderson of 24 Elm Street in Madison, Wisconsin.
MXMIMPACT
What the fuck?
BABY
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.
HARDHAT69
That little whore Susan needs to learn some manners.
AXWIELDER9
Check his IP.
BABY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.
Cut to the image over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. BABY looks stunned in the still frame. She suddenly looks like a sixteen year old who has been humiliating in front of the whole school.
HARDHAT69
Maybe I should come over and say hi in person, Susan. Maybe I should show your parents some of the things you do online.
Cut to HARDHAT69, close up.
HARDHAT69
Yes, maybe I’ll just get in my car and pay Nancy and Jim Anderson a little visit. I wonder if little Sherry is as big a slut as you?
SHIVA
It’s Hardhat. This isn’t cool, Hardhat.
HARDHAT69
Oh, the dyke is coming to the slut’s defense… FUCKING CUNT.
He has clearly been disconnected again.
Cut to CATMAN’s place. CATMAN looks frightened.
CATMAN
I have to go.
He gets up. We are now in AXWIELDER9’s room. As each person speaks in the next sequence, we cut to the normal view of him or her. They are all upset.
AXWIELDER9
What the fuck just happened? Did you get his IP?
HUNGSTUD
Baby logged off.
MXMIMPACT
Holy shit.
SHIVA
I can’t believe he just did that. That is so lame.
AXWIELDER9
Please tell me one of you can find out his IP.
MXMIMPACT
What the fuck are you talking about?
AXWIELDER9
You know, his identity number?
MXMIMPACT
You can do that?
SHIVA
I think she is the only one who can do that.
HUNGSTUD
A hacker could find it out. We just need to hack Baby’s site…
SHIVA
Don’t you dare. She’s upset enough as it is.
HARDHAT69
What’s going on? Where’s Baby?
We stay with HARDHAT69, who isn’t smiling.
MXMIMPACT
Hi Windwagon.
HUNGSTUD
Hi Windwagon.
SHIVA
Some prick just came in here and announced all of Baby’s personal information. She logged off.
HARDHAT69
Did he say what her real name was?
AXWIELDER9
Susan Anderson.
SHIVA
Ax, don’t repeat it.
AXWIELDER9
My bad. Sorry.
HARDHAT69
He must have gotten it off of Galactic Empire. They just posted all this information about her thirty seconds ago. That’s why I came over here.
HUNGSTUD
He must have sent it to them. This happened over two minutes ago.
We are over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. He is looking at the Galactic Empire site – there is a picture of BABY in a party dress – probably from a sophomore class dance or something.
SHIVA
Look at that. It looks like she’s at some sort of dance.
Cut to MICAH22m. He is looking at the site, still dispassionately. He might be masturbating looking at the dance picture, though he also might just be scratching himself. It is hard to tell, since we are seeing him from the shoulders up. Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
That is so wrong.
HARDHAT69
Yeah.
AXWIELDER9
I can’t believe Master Vader would post that.
SHIVA
Are you kidding? He hates Baby.
HARDHAT69
How could anyone hate Baby?
SHIVA
He hates all cam girls.
Cut to SHIVA. Her mascara is running – she looks enraged.
SHIVA
I think he’s just pissed off because she won’t go nude for him.
MXMIMPACT
She never goes nude.
HUNGSTUD
I thought you had nudes.
MXMIMPACT
I tried, but she wouldn’t take off her bra.
AXWIELDER
Wait, you sent me nudes.
Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
Photoshop, Ax.
Cut to HUNGSTUD69. He looks pissed off.
HUNGSTUD69
Wait – the nudes are fake?
SHIVA
Totally. Her head is too big.
HUNGSTUD
Yeah, and the breasts aren’t the right size.
MXMIMPACT
I was surprised anyone fell for them. The body is Pamela Anderson’s.
HARDHAT69
YOU FUCK! YOU FUCKER! FUCKING FAG!
Cut to HARDHAT69. He pushes he keyboard away angrily and is walking around the cubicle, cursing.
AXWIELDER9
What the fuck?
MXMIMPACT
Calm down, Windwagon. Jesus.
We see HARDHAT69 punching his cubicle wall, which wobbles.
SHIVA
Shit, I think Windwagon is Hardhat.
AXWIELDER9
Shit.
Cut to MICAH22m’s room. He is no longer in his chair. We see his massive body sloughing away from the computer.
MXMIMPACT
It was just a goof with the nudes. Calm down Windwagon.
Cut to SHIVAH
SHIVAH
Windwagon is Hardhat, you dumb fuck.
MXMIMPACT
How do you know?
SHIVAH
Same voice – plus he used “John Henry” as a nickname last time. John Henry and Windwagon Smith are both characters from American folklore.
MXMIMPACT
Get the fuck out.
Cut to HUNGSTUD’s shoulder view. He is looking at some other partially dressed cam girl.
AXWIELDER9
I got his IP.
HUNGSTUD
Who’s IP?
AXWIELDER9
Windwagon’s. I got his IP. He is connected from Devlon Metalized Paper’s corporate headquarters. Give me a minute and I’ll have his name.
Cut to HARDHAT69. He stops rampaging and looks back at the computer.
MXMIMPACT
Good one, Ax.
SHIVA
Did you hack her site?
AXWIELDER9
It was the only way.
SHIVA
Fuck you, Ax! That is just wrong.
AXWIELDER9
I didn’t look for anything else.
We see HARDHAT69 panicking.
HARDHAT69
Shit shit shit shit shit shit.
He turns his computer off, grabs his jacket and a briefcase and jogs out of the building. He bumps into a janitor as he runs by him.
We cut to AXWIELDER9.
AXWIELDER9
The company doesn’t log who is connected from what number, but I just sent an e-mail to the System Operator at Devlon telling him what happened and from what number.
MXMIMPACT
Way to go.
HUNGSTUD
You rock, Ax.
SHIVA
You hacked Baby’s site!
AXWIELDER9
There was no other way.
MXMIMPACT
Calm down, Shiva.
SHIVA
Fuck you guys. Fucking hackers.
Cut to Shiva. She is walking away from her computer. She is limping and obviously pissed off. We hear the sound of her computer shutting down.
Cut to Hungstud. He is watching the girl on some sort of live streaming connection. He is fumbling with his wallet and gets out his credit card during the following exchange.
MXMIMPACT
Don’t take it personally, Ax. You did good.
HUNGSTUD
I have to run. I have some guests coming over.
MXMIMPACT
Take it easy, John.
AXWIELDER9
Bye John.
Cut to MXMIMPACT. There is activity behind him. Perhaps his mother is cleaning his room.
MXMIMPACT
I should go, too.
AXWIELDER9
We could wait for Baby to come back.
MXMIMPACT
And do what?
AXWIELDER9
We could talk.
MXMIMPACT
No offense, I have stuff to do.
AXWIELDER9
Ok. Bye then.
MXMIMPACT
Bye.
MOTHER OF MXM
Talking to your friends?
MXMIMPACT
Yes, Mom.
MOTHER OF MXM
Dinner’s ready.
We pull back a bit, and it is clear that he is in the family living room. Cut to AXWIELDER9, looking bored at his computer.
AXWIELDER9
You there, Micah?
No response. AXWIELDER9 gets up and goes out of his room. Cut to BABY in her room. She is crying. Suddenly MICAH22m is in her room. He puts his hand on her shoulder and spins her around. She gasps with fright.
MICAH22M
Why’d you log off?
BABY continues to cry.
BABY
He knows about Sherry.
MICAH22M
So?
BABY
She’s my baby sister!
MICAH22M
If you’re not on cam, what good are you to us? You want me to get some other girl to do this?
BABY
I’ll go back on in a minute.
MICAH22M
Look – your chat room is almost empty.
BABY
I’ll go back on cam.
MICAH22M
Hold the Pepsi can closer to the screen. If they don’t see the product, you’re not selling the product.
We pull back. Her bedroom is a set.
MICAH22M
I put your personal information on the Galactic Empire site. That should boost your hits.
BABY
What about my family?
MICAH22M
Use your paycheck to buy an alarm system or something. Do I have to think of everything? Get back to work.
MICAH22M wanders off. BABY tries to wipe her eyes, but is still sobbing. She turns her cam back on.
THE END
FADE TO BLACK
(0) comments
Another rejected screenplay for Amanda this morning. She may have published "Ninja from the North," but other, more sucky screenplays have come here to die.
In other news, I am putting lots of effort into this blog and am having my doubts about whether anyone reads it or not. If you are reading this now, send me some love.
Now, the screenplay:
Voice Chat
Screenplay
We see a web browser screen. It is blank. We hear voices talking – HUNGSTUD sounds like he is speaking over a computer speaker, which he is.
HUNGSTUD
Do you see it yet?
AXWIELDER9
Its still loading.
HUNGSTUD
You must have the slowest connection in the world.
AXWIELDER9
It’s AOL.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, AOL is pretty fast if you have a decent connection.
AXWIELDER9
I’m using my 46k Modem.
HUNGSTUD
I don’t think there is such a thing.
We see the title of the movie “VOICE CHAT” appear on the screen. It is clear that there are several more graphics that need to load still.
AXWIELDER9
Wait! I see something.
HUNGSTUD
Pretty hot, huh?
AXWIELDER9
It just says Voice Chat.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, your connection really sucks.
AXWIELDER9
Yeah, my parents don’t want to spend the money on a better connection.
We see some of the names of the cast appearing on the screen in other graphic areas. No pictures yet.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, why don’t you spend some of your money on it?
AXWIELDER9
I don’t have a job.
HUNGSTUD
Hey, if your parents are cool enough to let you live at home, you should at least get some work.
AXWIELDER9
I’m only in the tenth grade.
HUNGSTUD
Oh.
AXWIELDER9
Yeah, if I had a job, I would so move out.
HUNGSTUD
Yeah…
AXWIELDER9
I don’t want to be one of those guys who is 30 and still living with his parents.
A graphic has finally appeared on the screen. It is a cheesy animated flame.
AXWIELDER9
Hey, I think it is finished loading.
HUNGSTUD
Pretty hot, huh?
AXWIELDER9
I see some flames.
HUNGSTUD
Cool, right?
AXWIELDER9
Dude, I waited five minutes to see some cheesy straight from “Diablo” style flames?
HUNGSTUD
Dude, they rock.
Cut to AXWIELDER9, who looks all of 12 years old. He is sitting in a pretty well lit room. His room is covered in baseball paraphernalia – specifically for the Chicago White Sox. He doesn’t look particularly geeky – black hair, decent height and weight – but he’s still young. He is wearing a headset so he can speak to his computer friends.
AXWIELDER9
Screw this. I’m going back to playing Stracraft.
Loud music and any other credits we need to see happen at this point. We cut to a dark room. It looks like somebody was doing some sort of financial paperwork that they didn’t quite finish on their bed – maybe paying bills or taxes. We hear HUNGSTUD talking somewhere in the room.
HUNGSTUD
You are so hot, Baby.
BABY’s voice sounds hot and sultry. She is talking over the computer speaker.
BABY
You all say that.
HUNGSTUD
Really – you are so hot.
We see the back of HUNGSTUD. He is hunched over his computer. He has a Prince Valiant style haircut – we suspect he might look like Sonny Bono. He wears a wife beater and (hopefully) boxer shorts. We have reason to fear that he might not be wearing the boxer shorts at the moment.
BABY
So, Hungstud, you know something about “Hamlet?”
HUNGSTUD
Shakespeare’s greatest play, Baby. Why don’t you take off your shirt?
BABY
I can’t. I have a paper due tomorrow.
We see over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder onto his computer screen. We see a cam image of BABY. She is all blonde and perky – Brittany Spears without the recording contract. She wears a spaghetti strap shirt – pink. She is giving the finger to the camera in the image. We hear another voice, MXMIMPACT, over the computer.
MXMIMPACT
I could help you with that paper, Baby. Private with me.
BABY
I’m not falling for that again, Max.
We hear several different voices laughing over the speaker. In the cam image, BABY is now typing.
We are now in a different room. We are looking at the face of a college-aged guy. He wears a baseball hat that says CAT DIESEL POWER on it. This is MXMIMPACT. Behind him, we see a faux-wood wall with a Pamela Anderson poster on it. MXMIMPACT is still laughing.
MXMIMPACT
Aw, come on! My site needs new pics.
BABY
You are such a perv.
MXMIMPACT
You love it, baby.
HARDHAT69
Fag.
MXMIMPACT
You’re the fag.
We are now in the cubicle of HARDHAT69. He is in a more or less deserted office building. We hear the sounds of a distant vacuum cleaner. HARDHAT69 is sitting at a desk with a picture of what are probably his wife and two young children.
HARDHAT69
You’re the fag.
BABY
Shut up. I need to learn about Hamlet.
We are now looking over HARDHAT69’s shoulder. The Image of BABY has changed to her combing her hair.
AXWIELDER9
Your school sucks. We don’t have to read Shakespeare until we are seniors.
BABY
You are so lucky, Ax.
HARDHAT69
Sounds like a fag school.
We have spun around and are looking into HARDHAT69’s face. He has receding hair, round glass, and a hatchet like face. The light of the computer screen reflects off of his glasses. He looks straight out of Orwell’s “1984.”
MXMIMPACT
What is your problem, Hardhat69?
HARDHAT69
You’re my problem, fag.
BABY
Don’t make me boot you again, Hard.
HARDHAT69
Go ahead and boot me, whore.
We hear a cheesy noise.
HARDHAT69
Fucking cunt.
Cut to AXWIELDER9’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to MXMIMPACT’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to HUNGSTUD’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to SHIVA’s face. She is laughing.
Cut to BABY’s room. We don’t see BABY, but we see an unmade pink bed.
BABY
Fucker.
Cut to CATMAN’s face. He is laughing.
Cut to MIKA22m’s face. He is staring blankly at the screen, his enormous pudgy, pasty face a mask of indifference. His mouth hangs open. He needs a bath.
Cut back to SHIVA’s face. She is probably 25 or so. She is sitting back with a glass of wine. Some sort of romantic music plays in the background – Barry White or some such. As with all the rooms, we hear voices over the computer speaker. SHIVA is slightly overweight. She has light brown hair and wears an oriental bathrobe.
SHIVA
Well done, Baby.
MXMIMPACT
Who’s the fag now, loser.
HUNGSTUD
Dude, he can’t hear you.
MXMIMPACT
I know he can’t hear me.
SHIVA
Boys, settle down.
HUNGSTUD
All right, Shiva.
MXMIMPACT
Shiva, you are a babe.
AXWIELDER9
You are a total babe, Shiva.
SHIVA
Compliments will get you everywhere, boys.
CATMAN
Do you have a cam, Shiva?
SHIVA
Only for very private moments, Catman.
Cut to CATMAN. He is 17 or 18. Probably in his own bedroom. He is staring at the computer screen (and us) with great interest.
SHIVA
Are you interested in a private moment, Kitty?
BABY
You guys!
CATMAN
Want to go to Netmeeting?
SHIVA
Not one for foreplay, Kitty?
CATMAN
WHOA! Woo Hoo!
Cut to the view over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. BABY has lifted up her shirt in the cam image, revealing her lacey pink bra. Her larger than attractive breasts are straining against the fabric. When the DVD of this movie comes out, this will be one of the images people freeze and screen capture for “topless girls in the movies” sort of sites. They will put it in the same screen capture directory as their images of Thora Birch topless from “American Beauty.”
HUNGSTUD
Oh yeah!
We hear other male voices over the computer speaker saying things like “Sproing,” and “Who let the dogs out” and other typical men watching a girl get topless things. Cut to MICA22m’s face. His expression is unchanged. He lets out a tiny grunt of some sorts. The sort of sound you’d expect a silverback gorilla to make when it is taking a massive poop.
Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
Damn, Baby, you have some hot boobs.
BABY
Stop!
MXMIMPACT
It’s nice to see the twins again.
AXWIELDER9
He he – twins.
HUNGSTUD
You shouldn’t be watching this, Ax. You’re too young.
AXWIELDER9
She’s too young for you, John.
HUNGSTUD
Hey, if she is old enough to flash ‘em, she’s old enough for me.
BABY
Ewwwww. John, stop it.
Cut to SHIVA’s place. She is smoking a cigarette.
SHIVA
Welcome JohnHenry.
BABY
Hi JohnHenry.
CATMAN
Hi JohnHerny.
Cut to HARDHAT69 in his office.
HARDHAT69
Hi all. I’ve never been here before. Who is the cute girl on the cam?
MXMIMPACT
That’s Baby.
HARDHAT69
That’s funny, because it looks like Susan Anderson of 24 Elm Street in Madison, Wisconsin.
MXMIMPACT
What the fuck?
BABY
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.
HARDHAT69
That little whore Susan needs to learn some manners.
AXWIELDER9
Check his IP.
BABY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU.
Cut to the image over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. BABY looks stunned in the still frame. She suddenly looks like a sixteen year old who has been humiliating in front of the whole school.
HARDHAT69
Maybe I should come over and say hi in person, Susan. Maybe I should show your parents some of the things you do online.
Cut to HARDHAT69, close up.
HARDHAT69
Yes, maybe I’ll just get in my car and pay Nancy and Jim Anderson a little visit. I wonder if little Sherry is as big a slut as you?
SHIVA
It’s Hardhat. This isn’t cool, Hardhat.
HARDHAT69
Oh, the dyke is coming to the slut’s defense… FUCKING CUNT.
He has clearly been disconnected again.
Cut to CATMAN’s place. CATMAN looks frightened.
CATMAN
I have to go.
He gets up. We are now in AXWIELDER9’s room. As each person speaks in the next sequence, we cut to the normal view of him or her. They are all upset.
AXWIELDER9
What the fuck just happened? Did you get his IP?
HUNGSTUD
Baby logged off.
MXMIMPACT
Holy shit.
SHIVA
I can’t believe he just did that. That is so lame.
AXWIELDER9
Please tell me one of you can find out his IP.
MXMIMPACT
What the fuck are you talking about?
AXWIELDER9
You know, his identity number?
MXMIMPACT
You can do that?
SHIVA
I think she is the only one who can do that.
HUNGSTUD
A hacker could find it out. We just need to hack Baby’s site…
SHIVA
Don’t you dare. She’s upset enough as it is.
HARDHAT69
What’s going on? Where’s Baby?
We stay with HARDHAT69, who isn’t smiling.
MXMIMPACT
Hi Windwagon.
HUNGSTUD
Hi Windwagon.
SHIVA
Some prick just came in here and announced all of Baby’s personal information. She logged off.
HARDHAT69
Did he say what her real name was?
AXWIELDER9
Susan Anderson.
SHIVA
Ax, don’t repeat it.
AXWIELDER9
My bad. Sorry.
HARDHAT69
He must have gotten it off of Galactic Empire. They just posted all this information about her thirty seconds ago. That’s why I came over here.
HUNGSTUD
He must have sent it to them. This happened over two minutes ago.
We are over HUNGSTUD’s shoulder. He is looking at the Galactic Empire site – there is a picture of BABY in a party dress – probably from a sophomore class dance or something.
SHIVA
Look at that. It looks like she’s at some sort of dance.
Cut to MICAH22m. He is looking at the site, still dispassionately. He might be masturbating looking at the dance picture, though he also might just be scratching himself. It is hard to tell, since we are seeing him from the shoulders up. Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
That is so wrong.
HARDHAT69
Yeah.
AXWIELDER9
I can’t believe Master Vader would post that.
SHIVA
Are you kidding? He hates Baby.
HARDHAT69
How could anyone hate Baby?
SHIVA
He hates all cam girls.
Cut to SHIVA. Her mascara is running – she looks enraged.
SHIVA
I think he’s just pissed off because she won’t go nude for him.
MXMIMPACT
She never goes nude.
HUNGSTUD
I thought you had nudes.
MXMIMPACT
I tried, but she wouldn’t take off her bra.
AXWIELDER
Wait, you sent me nudes.
Cut to MXMIMPACT.
MXMIMPACT
Photoshop, Ax.
Cut to HUNGSTUD69. He looks pissed off.
HUNGSTUD69
Wait – the nudes are fake?
SHIVA
Totally. Her head is too big.
HUNGSTUD
Yeah, and the breasts aren’t the right size.
MXMIMPACT
I was surprised anyone fell for them. The body is Pamela Anderson’s.
HARDHAT69
YOU FUCK! YOU FUCKER! FUCKING FAG!
Cut to HARDHAT69. He pushes he keyboard away angrily and is walking around the cubicle, cursing.
AXWIELDER9
What the fuck?
MXMIMPACT
Calm down, Windwagon. Jesus.
We see HARDHAT69 punching his cubicle wall, which wobbles.
SHIVA
Shit, I think Windwagon is Hardhat.
AXWIELDER9
Shit.
Cut to MICAH22m’s room. He is no longer in his chair. We see his massive body sloughing away from the computer.
MXMIMPACT
It was just a goof with the nudes. Calm down Windwagon.
Cut to SHIVAH
SHIVAH
Windwagon is Hardhat, you dumb fuck.
MXMIMPACT
How do you know?
SHIVAH
Same voice – plus he used “John Henry” as a nickname last time. John Henry and Windwagon Smith are both characters from American folklore.
MXMIMPACT
Get the fuck out.
Cut to HUNGSTUD’s shoulder view. He is looking at some other partially dressed cam girl.
AXWIELDER9
I got his IP.
HUNGSTUD
Who’s IP?
AXWIELDER9
Windwagon’s. I got his IP. He is connected from Devlon Metalized Paper’s corporate headquarters. Give me a minute and I’ll have his name.
Cut to HARDHAT69. He stops rampaging and looks back at the computer.
MXMIMPACT
Good one, Ax.
SHIVA
Did you hack her site?
AXWIELDER9
It was the only way.
SHIVA
Fuck you, Ax! That is just wrong.
AXWIELDER9
I didn’t look for anything else.
We see HARDHAT69 panicking.
HARDHAT69
Shit shit shit shit shit shit.
He turns his computer off, grabs his jacket and a briefcase and jogs out of the building. He bumps into a janitor as he runs by him.
We cut to AXWIELDER9.
AXWIELDER9
The company doesn’t log who is connected from what number, but I just sent an e-mail to the System Operator at Devlon telling him what happened and from what number.
MXMIMPACT
Way to go.
HUNGSTUD
You rock, Ax.
SHIVA
You hacked Baby’s site!
AXWIELDER9
There was no other way.
MXMIMPACT
Calm down, Shiva.
SHIVA
Fuck you guys. Fucking hackers.
Cut to Shiva. She is walking away from her computer. She is limping and obviously pissed off. We hear the sound of her computer shutting down.
Cut to Hungstud. He is watching the girl on some sort of live streaming connection. He is fumbling with his wallet and gets out his credit card during the following exchange.
MXMIMPACT
Don’t take it personally, Ax. You did good.
HUNGSTUD
I have to run. I have some guests coming over.
MXMIMPACT
Take it easy, John.
AXWIELDER9
Bye John.
Cut to MXMIMPACT. There is activity behind him. Perhaps his mother is cleaning his room.
MXMIMPACT
I should go, too.
AXWIELDER9
We could wait for Baby to come back.
MXMIMPACT
And do what?
AXWIELDER9
We could talk.
MXMIMPACT
No offense, I have stuff to do.
AXWIELDER9
Ok. Bye then.
MXMIMPACT
Bye.
MOTHER OF MXM
Talking to your friends?
MXMIMPACT
Yes, Mom.
MOTHER OF MXM
Dinner’s ready.
We pull back a bit, and it is clear that he is in the family living room. Cut to AXWIELDER9, looking bored at his computer.
AXWIELDER9
You there, Micah?
No response. AXWIELDER9 gets up and goes out of his room. Cut to BABY in her room. She is crying. Suddenly MICAH22m is in her room. He puts his hand on her shoulder and spins her around. She gasps with fright.
MICAH22M
Why’d you log off?
BABY continues to cry.
BABY
He knows about Sherry.
MICAH22M
So?
BABY
She’s my baby sister!
MICAH22M
If you’re not on cam, what good are you to us? You want me to get some other girl to do this?
BABY
I’ll go back on in a minute.
MICAH22M
Look – your chat room is almost empty.
BABY
I’ll go back on cam.
MICAH22M
Hold the Pepsi can closer to the screen. If they don’t see the product, you’re not selling the product.
We pull back. Her bedroom is a set.
MICAH22M
I put your personal information on the Galactic Empire site. That should boost your hits.
BABY
What about my family?
MICAH22M
Use your paycheck to buy an alarm system or something. Do I have to think of everything? Get back to work.
MICAH22M wanders off. BABY tries to wipe her eyes, but is still sobbing. She turns her cam back on.
THE END
FADE TO BLACK
3.08.2002
Bad News: My new "Head in a Bucket/Oxygen Deprivation" variation, called "Head in a Bucket of Audience Member's Blood" is too hard to practice. We'll just have to go for it on Saturday and hope for the best.
(0) comments
Will Write for Food
Lots of news this morning!
First off, Amanda has published my latest screenplay, "Ninja from the North," on Validate This. What it lacks in length, it more than makes up for in depth.
Next, I would like to make a general offer. I will write for any site that asks me to for the next five days. Send me an e-mail and tell me what sort of update you would like for your site and I will provide it, duty free.
Finally, Sad Clown Rep played a semi-decent gig at a discount liquor store last weekend. Tiffany still isn't speaking to me, but Max and I did an absolutely brilliant version of our latest "geek" game, Scene in a Pile of Broken Glass. The wounds will take some time to heal, but I am sure the echoing sound of audience laughter in our ears will last much longer.
I am having some issues with the band Squeeze right now. I can't get their CD 'Singles, 45s and Under," off my CD player for the life of me. What is up with that?
(0) comments
Lots of news this morning!
First off, Amanda has published my latest screenplay, "Ninja from the North," on Validate This. What it lacks in length, it more than makes up for in depth.
Next, I would like to make a general offer. I will write for any site that asks me to for the next five days. Send me an e-mail and tell me what sort of update you would like for your site and I will provide it, duty free.
Finally, Sad Clown Rep played a semi-decent gig at a discount liquor store last weekend. Tiffany still isn't speaking to me, but Max and I did an absolutely brilliant version of our latest "geek" game, Scene in a Pile of Broken Glass. The wounds will take some time to heal, but I am sure the echoing sound of audience laughter in our ears will last much longer.
I am having some issues with the band Squeeze right now. I can't get their CD 'Singles, 45s and Under," off my CD player for the life of me. What is up with that?
3.06.2002
Hello Dearies!
Lady Potamus here!
Exciting news from the world of film! Guy Pearce stars in "The Time Machine," opening this weekend. Well, this puts me in mind of a little experience I had a few years back with none other than H. G. Wells.
Well, I was touring England in the fall of '42 in support of our boys "over there." My host was Sir Charlie Chaplin, before he was actually knighted by the Queen. Anyhow, I knew I would have no chance with the great silent film star, since I was already a little long in the tooth for Mr. Chaplin, who liked his girls like he liked his chin: hairless and covered with his own drool.
However, while we were traveling, who should wander into our floor show but Mr. Wells himself. He was near the end of a long life and had seen better days. Indeed, he was an angry man. I remarked that he was bitter, to which he replied:
"Come taste how bitter I am."
Well, I needed no more invitation than that! I walked right over and licked him on the face. Not just one lick! No! I licked his face like he was a science fiction writing popsickle.
Sir Charles was stunned, as was Mr. Wells. They attempted to pry me off, but I had already started planting a full suction hickey on the great writer's neck, which made it virtually impossible to remove me without pulling off a huge chunk of flesh from the old bloke.
To make a long story short, Mr. Wells was so inspired by my tongue work that he wrote his last great work of science fiction, "Voyage to the Center of my Pants," after our encounter.
Ah, literature!
Hope you're enjoying a good, stiff drink!
(0) comments
Lady Potamus here!
Exciting news from the world of film! Guy Pearce stars in "The Time Machine," opening this weekend. Well, this puts me in mind of a little experience I had a few years back with none other than H. G. Wells.
Well, I was touring England in the fall of '42 in support of our boys "over there." My host was Sir Charlie Chaplin, before he was actually knighted by the Queen. Anyhow, I knew I would have no chance with the great silent film star, since I was already a little long in the tooth for Mr. Chaplin, who liked his girls like he liked his chin: hairless and covered with his own drool.
However, while we were traveling, who should wander into our floor show but Mr. Wells himself. He was near the end of a long life and had seen better days. Indeed, he was an angry man. I remarked that he was bitter, to which he replied:
"Come taste how bitter I am."
Well, I needed no more invitation than that! I walked right over and licked him on the face. Not just one lick! No! I licked his face like he was a science fiction writing popsickle.
Sir Charles was stunned, as was Mr. Wells. They attempted to pry me off, but I had already started planting a full suction hickey on the great writer's neck, which made it virtually impossible to remove me without pulling off a huge chunk of flesh from the old bloke.
To make a long story short, Mr. Wells was so inspired by my tongue work that he wrote his last great work of science fiction, "Voyage to the Center of my Pants," after our encounter.
Ah, literature!
Hope you're enjoying a good, stiff drink!
3.04.2002
I wrote an update from Jocelyn at Unlovely. In other news, Manuel is having trouble with his site, so it might be a little while before my interview with Brook Sylvann sees the light of day, which is too bad, because I really like it.
We had the liquor store gig last night. It was not a complete failure. More later.
(0) comments
We had the liquor store gig last night. It was not a complete failure. More later.
3.03.2002
Hello Dearies!
Lady Potamus here! Well, dawn will soon break and it has been an eventful night, so I just thought I would tell you all about it!
It started at a post-Grammy party several days ago. I had just finished writing my update about the Grammys, as a matter of fact, when the phone rang. It was none other than Simon LeBon, lead singer of the 80's rock sensation, Duran Duran.
Of course, the name Duran Duran came from the movie "Barbarella," staring Jane Fonda. Jane left Ted Turner and is single now. Men, hold onto your wallets! Ladies, hold onto your men.
So Simon called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a post-Grammys bash. I said "Simon, you old tart! You weren't even at the Grammies!"
"The is a post 1985 Grammys party," the clever bloke replied.
Well, I certainly couldn't argue that, so the next thing I knew, Simon was driving by my place in his Miata. It was a two seater, and both seats were occupied. The driver's seat by Simon, and the passenger seat by none other than Cory Hart, best known for his hit "Sunglasses as Night."
I couldn't just ride in the trunk - I am a dignified older lady - so I decided to immediatly straddle Cory, as Simon sped off down my lengthy driveway. Cory's stunned expression led me to think that he might not be in to the whole "Harold and Maude" thing and, to tell the truth, he was a good deal older than Harold. I would say this was a Mrs. Robinson thing, but, truth to tell, I am a good deal older than Mrs. Robinson.
I digress.
To make a long story short, I decided I wasn't going to be getting any action from Mr. Hart, so I just gave Simon a hand job as we were driving. He made some droll "stick shift" jokes, but I can't remember them at the moment.
As we rounded a particularly treacherous curve, Simon lost control of his passion and his car. We flew off the road and before I even had time to wipe my forearm clean, we had smashed into a tree. The driver's side airbag deployed, saving Simon, and, fortunately for Cory, my roundish body was between him and the dashboard. Alas, I received the brunt of the 60mph impact on my posterior. Fortunately, years of avoiding the gym and good genetics basically provided me with all the protection I needed.
This is just the sort of event that gets turned into an episode of "Behind the Music" and I respect both of these artists far too much to allow that to happen to them. Thus, I encouraged them to run off into the night, then moved myself behind the stearing wheel. I poured my martini all over my body so I would be stinking with alchohol when the authorities arrived.
Well, fortunately, the police officers believed me when I told them I was driving drunk, then reduced the charges to illegal possession of an unlicensed weapon after I used my own particular method of close, personal persuasion. The weapon? Well, if I told you that this update would verge on the pornographic.
Anyhow, they released me after a few happy days on my own recognisance, so drink up!
And Simon, if you read this, hire a chauffer next time! You of all people!
(0) comments
Lady Potamus here! Well, dawn will soon break and it has been an eventful night, so I just thought I would tell you all about it!
It started at a post-Grammy party several days ago. I had just finished writing my update about the Grammys, as a matter of fact, when the phone rang. It was none other than Simon LeBon, lead singer of the 80's rock sensation, Duran Duran.
Of course, the name Duran Duran came from the movie "Barbarella," staring Jane Fonda. Jane left Ted Turner and is single now. Men, hold onto your wallets! Ladies, hold onto your men.
So Simon called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a post-Grammys bash. I said "Simon, you old tart! You weren't even at the Grammies!"
"The is a post 1985 Grammys party," the clever bloke replied.
Well, I certainly couldn't argue that, so the next thing I knew, Simon was driving by my place in his Miata. It was a two seater, and both seats were occupied. The driver's seat by Simon, and the passenger seat by none other than Cory Hart, best known for his hit "Sunglasses as Night."
I couldn't just ride in the trunk - I am a dignified older lady - so I decided to immediatly straddle Cory, as Simon sped off down my lengthy driveway. Cory's stunned expression led me to think that he might not be in to the whole "Harold and Maude" thing and, to tell the truth, he was a good deal older than Harold. I would say this was a Mrs. Robinson thing, but, truth to tell, I am a good deal older than Mrs. Robinson.
I digress.
To make a long story short, I decided I wasn't going to be getting any action from Mr. Hart, so I just gave Simon a hand job as we were driving. He made some droll "stick shift" jokes, but I can't remember them at the moment.
As we rounded a particularly treacherous curve, Simon lost control of his passion and his car. We flew off the road and before I even had time to wipe my forearm clean, we had smashed into a tree. The driver's side airbag deployed, saving Simon, and, fortunately for Cory, my roundish body was between him and the dashboard. Alas, I received the brunt of the 60mph impact on my posterior. Fortunately, years of avoiding the gym and good genetics basically provided me with all the protection I needed.
This is just the sort of event that gets turned into an episode of "Behind the Music" and I respect both of these artists far too much to allow that to happen to them. Thus, I encouraged them to run off into the night, then moved myself behind the stearing wheel. I poured my martini all over my body so I would be stinking with alchohol when the authorities arrived.
Well, fortunately, the police officers believed me when I told them I was driving drunk, then reduced the charges to illegal possession of an unlicensed weapon after I used my own particular method of close, personal persuasion. The weapon? Well, if I told you that this update would verge on the pornographic.
Anyhow, they released me after a few happy days on my own recognisance, so drink up!
And Simon, if you read this, hire a chauffer next time! You of all people!
