When I was a teenager, I had a lot of advantages that you kids today don't.

For example, during my high school days, I was blissfully ignorant of AIDS, though it was already spreading, so I was able to oof like a rabbit. Which is to say I could have oofed like a rabbit. Had anyone been interested.

This was the early 1980's and the Cold War was raging. Perhaps raging isn't a descriptive enough phrase. I should have written "the Cold War was looming over our heads like an evil, dark, life-sucking fog." The positive thing about the Cold War, though, is that the constant threat of total nuclear anihilation was so real that it became an excuse to, again, off like rabbits.

"Hey, Suzy! Reagan pissed off Brezhnev again and the bombs will be flying like mosquitos any second."

"Oh, Joey, whatever will we do?"

"Let us oof like rabbits."

Of course, in spite of the fact that most of young student types hated Reagan, he managed to end the cold war and, at about the same time, end the sexual revolution. According to many women I have interviewed, nobody has had sex since 1989. I can attest to this.

I've been feeling a little depressed about this for about seven years. Fortunately, Warren Buffet (no relationship to Jimmy), investment guru, recently reawakened most of my Cold War fears and dreams.

According to Buffet, a nuclear attack on U.S. soil is a virtual certainty. Says he, "It will happen. Whether it will happen in 10 years or 10 minutes, or 50 years..."

Now, I am not want of those conspiracy theory types, but on the same day that I read about Buffet's prediction, I read this article," which alleges that the Joint Chiefs of Staff were trying to engineer an attack on U.S. soil and blame Cuba so that the American people would support military action in Cuba.

So, if Buffet, who probably has some government contacts, is saying it is a certainty, and the government has pondered this thing before, I think you young people are in for a spot of luck. Take some time today and tell somebody you are hot for "We'd better oof before Bush blows us up."

Nothing is better than fear nookie. Nothing.

Well, I wouldn't know, but you get my point.
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Rejected Screenplay
(based on a suggestion from Amanda)


Throbbing, painful techno music permeates the air. The screen is dark. It feels like we are spinning around and around and then pulling back through the dark at an impossibly fast speed. Suddenly, light! As we pull back quickly, we realize we were nestling in LARA CROFT’s pubic hair, perhaps exploring it like mighty jungle adventurers.

She is sitting on a toilet, probably an ancient toilet in some sort of dangerous temple. She looks bored. The titles “VAGINAL WARS” slam onto the screen, covering Lara. The words are made entirely of metal.

Scrolling text begins with a voice over. The voice sounds like some sort of ancient evil entity.

Since she first burst onto the scene several years ago, adolescent males around the world have been fascinating with the enormous vaginal area of Lara Croft. It is so huge that the “v” is always capitalized. Vaginal. VAGINALLLLLLL. What most people don’t realize is that her Vaginal is so huge that a small city has been built on it. She thinks it is some sort of wart, but it is really the thriving city of Clitoria. Built entirely out of flaked skin and loose pieces of hair, the brave citizens of Clitoria, called the Crabbites, fight a never-ending battle against all intruders. Vaginal Wars. Episode 4.

Suddenly, we are diving back straight towards LARA CROFT’S Vaginal as she hikes up her pants. As the pants cover her pubic hair, we dive back in and are, once again, burrowing through the dark.

Then there it is. A glowing city! Yes, Clitoria is there in the distance. We fly up to the bright little city, where we see thousands of busy Crabbites going about their daily business. Zooming through the city streets, we finally end up at the base of a mighty palace. We scan up to the top of the palace where QUEEN CERVIXNA and her daughter, PRINCESS VULVOR sit, proudly surveying their mighty kingdom.

It has been quiet of late, my queen. Do you think we have repelled the invaders?

No, my dear Vulvor.

But, Queen Mother, it has been months since we have been attacked. Surely we can relax!

Don’t think it, daughter. We must always be vigilant. Every time we think Clitoria is safe, a new disaster strikes. We have faced floods, defoliation of our mighty forests and waves of strange aliens penatrators. If we relax for a moment, one of the many threats to our fair city will surely destroy us.

You need to relax, Mom. Surely you have earned a rest.

Not until I am dead.

Suddenly, an air raid siren goes off! QUEEN CERVIXNA bristles up.

To the monitor room!

Cut to a room with a number of monitor screens. LT. URETHROR and a number of soldiers are desperately running about the room.

Queen Cervixna!

Lr. Urethror. What is the situation?

Unstoppable invaders, my queen. They are wearing some kind of armor! Look!

Cut to monitor view. A number of heavily armored humanoids are flying through the great public forest, shooting down the great Clitorian guard.

Cut to the QUEEN

Who are they?

They won’t respond to any of our signals. They are unstoppable.

We are doomed.

No, mother! We must fight!

Everyone to the escape capsules!

I am no coward!

PRINCESS runs off in the opposite direction of the fleeing troupes.

No! Daughter!

Should I follow her, my queen?

No, she is doomed. We must save ourselves.

They exit down another tunnel. Cut to the Princess. She is walking quickly down a tunnel. Red warning lights flash. She walks through a door, which reads “Armory.”

Cut to inside the armory. She is already half nude and slapping pieces of dangerous looking body armor onto her arms and shoulders.

Cut to outside the armory. The door swings open, and there stands the PRINCESS, covered in standard issue Clitorian armor. It is clearly no match for the weapons of the invading army.

Outside the palace, citizens are being gunned down by the thousand by the merciless invading troupes. The PRINCESS walks out of the palace, heavily armed. An invader flies at her and, stunningly, she decapitates it with her battle sword.

A second invader fires a beam from its hand that vaporizes the sword, but the PRINCESS manages to down the invader with a rail gun. It explodes mid-air.

However, there are two many invaders. The PRINCESS is soon surrounded, and though she fights valiantly, she is captured. They fly off with her, still struggling.

We pull back and see the once fine city being razed to the ground. Fire rises from the city. The captured princess and her captors fly by us. We follow them out of the great pubic forest into a forest of red pubic hair. We see them fly her towards another city.

Quickly, the view pulls back until we see that LARA CROFT is making out with a beautiful red haired woman, SAMUS ARAN from Metroid.


Anything wrong?

Oh, nothing. Now where were we?

They go back to making out as we pull back to see SAMUS’ armor and LARA’s clothes scattered about the room.

Princess Vulvor was taken prisoner by the invading forces of Syphlitica, the capital city of Samus’ massive, technologically advanced pubic empire. She later married their King, Gonorya, and bore a daughter, Infectia, who would re-establish the city of Clitoria. Queen Cervixna and the surviving citizens of the old city moved to Lara’s armpit, where there small city still thrives, safe from invaders, and only occasionally flooded.

The End

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