Presented here, for the first time online, is "The Third Gospel According to Techman."

I confess here and now that I have virtually no memory of the in jokes contained within this script. Keep in mind that when I say "ten minute play," I mean I wrote it in ten minutes. If you can explain it, please let me know.

The THIRD Gospel According to Techman
Joey Michaels, leading you into the past through the future
Dedicated, with extreme devotion, to Techman
Holy WTF!

Cast of Characters this Chapter
TECHMAN, The Favorite Servant of the T-Diety
SHOP KID, Son of the T-Diety
BAN BAN, Non-Believer
TALLER TECHMAN, Misguided Mortal
LUCIFER, Fallen Angel who has learned his lesson good this time
T-DIETY, He whom we all fall to our knees and worship

TECHMAN and SHOP KID are on stage. TECHMAN has an arrow embedded in his side and lies on the ground.

SHOP KID: Get away moths! Get away moths! You won't get me! You won't get me!

TECHMAN: Curs'd be these moths! What curious shepard could have imparted them to fire yon missle into my side hither? Alack!

SHOP KID: I'll get you to the shade! I'll get you to the shade! Because I don't know the true meaning of the light! Let me tell you a story! Let me tell you a story!

SHOP KID drags TECHMAN offstage. Enter LUCIFER, with a pile of programs in his hands, and BAN BAN

LUCIFER: Did you see that? It seems that Techman is wounded most gravely! What a chance this is to get back into the T-Diety's good graces!

BAN BAN: Good graces? Fie! What a chance this is to make a new Techman! Make a note of it in the program! Now there will be a new Techman and this time, I'll choose him!

LUCIFER: Ban Ban!!! You know not what you say! The power of Techman is only to be replaced by one of the T-Diety's choosing! And we do not know if Techman has really died! Do not forget that his son, Shop Kid, rises from the dead and he is a mere mortal, not a being of the ether like myself or Techman! You, too, are mortal! Oh, rue the day you mess with Techman! Forget not that he who sows a whirlwind will reap a harvest of pain.

BAN BAN: Silly Lucifer! The T-Diety is a myth! Techman is just a symbol! I will now choose a new one and inheret all of the real Techman's followers.

BAN BAN exits, laughing.

LUCIFER: No! Don't dare! You mess with powers beyond your imagining! He has no left! But what of me? How will I regain the good favors of the T-Diety, so that I may plot and scheme and stamp my boot and make all of the heavens tremble? Ha ha ha! I will get back in the T-Diety's good graces if only to topple him and ursurp his spot for myself!

A single spotlight comes up on LUCIFER.

LUCIFER: Alas! Using his unavoidable spotlight of detection, the T-Diety has found me out and upset my scheme! I'd best re-edit this program to include the name of the new Techman! I don't know why!

Exit LUCIFER. Enter BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN, who is more like Bowzer from Sha Na Na in appearance than like our hero.

BAN BAN: From thousands, or at least tens, I have chosen you to be the succesor to the throne of Techman! You are possessed of the dark glasses so that when you must rig up the sun Liko, you will not burn out your retinas! You are possessed of the thick jacket so that when you mist slide beneath seating risers to disassemble and reassemble them, your flesh will not be rended on the jagged materials beneath the the risers! Yes, a little modern technology can easily duplicate all of Techman's skills! Bwah ha ha ha!

TALLER TECHMAN: But what if the real Techman should return?

BAN BAN: Never happen! Never happen! Gads, I speak like Shop Kid all of a sudden! Why, Techman was felled by an arrow! But enough on him! Let's talk about your first job! See where Techman put the sun? Well, I want you to move it fifteen feet to the left. That'll teach the T-Diety's followed that he doesn't exist!

TALLER TECHMAN: OK, you're the boss.

TALLER TECHMAN goes to move the sun and is instantly incinerated, but the sun moves fifteen feet to the left and a second actor playing TALLER TECHMAN comes forward.

TALLER TECHMAN: Is that better?

BAN BAN: Much better! Now, let's hide over here and watch the fun!

They hide. Enter LUCIFER and T-DIETY looking at the program.

LUCIFER: It's a little messy. Ok, a lot messy. OK, I put almost no time more than I had to into it. OK, I let my cat do it after giving it tequila shots. OK, I also let it eat the worm. But it's not my fault that Techman is listed with another actor's name next to it. Ban Ban requested that.

T-DIETY: Shit. Somebody moved my F***ing sun fifteen feet to the left. I'd better use my divine powers to slide it back.

Sun slides back instantly and the chared remains of the first TALLER TECHMAN fall out as it moves.

T-DIETY: What's this? Ashes? I'd best speak to them. Yo, ashes.

ASHES: Yes, O mighty one?

T-DIETY: What were you doing in my sun? Was Gabriel putting out his cigars in it again?

ASHES: No, illustrious one. I was once an actor playing Taller Techman, the evil substitute of Techman, but was turned to ash when I moved the sun fifteen feet to the left and replaced by another actor.

LUCIFER: Damn. Another program change.

T-DIETY: Enough of this bull hockey. Yo! Techman! Shop Kid! Come out!

TECHMAN and SHOP KID come out, smoking.

T-DIETY: What the f*** is the deal with the cigerettes?

TECHMAN: We're doing a scene for Gabriel and he needs us to smoke.

SHOP KID: Look, ashes! Look, ashes! He understands the true meaning of the sun! He understands the true meaning of the sun!

T-DIETY: Look at this program, Techman!

TECHMAN reads the program, raises an eyebrow, pulls out a hot glue gun, aims it in the direction of where BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN are hiding and let's loose a twenty minutes stream of hot glue. He then goes to the hiding places and brings out two solid, glues up humanoids, much like BAN BAN and TALLER TECHMAN

BAN BAN: (Statue) Curse you, Techman!

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Believe it or not, somebody found one of the plays from the Unlovely "week o' plays" and wanted to know if there was a sequal. Actually, there are two. I don't completely understand either of them anymore, but here is the first sequal to 'The Gospel According to Techman.'

The Second Gospel According to Techman
As Adapted from the "Salt Lake" Scrolls by Joey Michaels
Inspired by his Divine Mightiness, the T-Diety
And, of course, Techman

Our Loyal Cast

TECHMAN, a mystical being
GOD, the T-Diety
LUCIFER, Lord of the Sub-Stage
MAHALO, a being of Trash and generic arch-enemy
SHOP-KID, Son of God
CHORUS, of techies, actors, dancers, nymphs, satyrs and garbage

TECHMAN brings the lights up. A CHORUS of techies is laying down a dance floor.

TECHMAN: Hey, T-Diety! Where do you want this flat?

GOD descends down the spiral staircase from the heavens

GOD: Flat? Who the &*$# said anything about a flat? This is a dance concert! Get to work on the side light!

TECHMAN: But your note said...

TECHMAN looks more carefully at the note.

TECHMAN: Wait! Looking more closely at this note I can see the tell-tale spoor of my arch enemy, Mahalo, the trash monster! Obviously, he has returned to cause more trouble for the good cast of the Spring Dance Concert! Sorry, T-Diety, but my quest to eliminate Mahalo must take precedence over laying the dance floor!

GOD: Of course, Techman! Do what you must do! Your quest is sacred! But beware the substage! You have been warned!

TECHMAN: A Techman's gotta do what a Techman's gotta do and I, Techman, has got to do this!

TECHMAN swings off on a rope that conveniently drops down from the heavens for just such a purpose! GOD is alone with his CHORUS of techies who, due to TECHMAN's absence, lack direction.

GOD: Cursed be Mahalo! With Techman's guidance, how will this dance floor ever be properly laid? I cannot participate myself, or else I will lose stature as T-Diety. I was hoping it would not come to this, but I must ask my son to walk amongst men! Shop-Kid, come forth!

In a blinding puff from a handy flashpot, SHOP-KID emerges, but is lit aflame due to his proximity to the spark, and due to the fact that he's wearing oil soaked rags. He falls to the floor, apparently dead.

GOD: Of, my son, incinerated at such a young age! Alas, now I must sew him into my thigh or something or he won't come back to life. But wait! Three seconds later...

SHOP-KID rises.

SHOP-KID: Asbestos clothes! Asbestos clothes!

All the CHORUS, along with GOD and SHOP-KID gather around to do the "Dance of Asbestos Clothes," after which they get back to the plot.

GOD: Oh my beloved son, Shop-Kid, I ask that you walk amidst the techies, providing them with the guidance they need to prepare for the dance concert. Take thee this holy light plot and prepare to hang lights!

SHOP-KID: Hang the lights! Hang the Lights!

GOD ascends the staircase. The light hang commences, and the CHORUS does "The Dance of the Burnt Out 500 Watt Ellipsoidal Reflector Lamp." Suddenly, TECHMAN appears, locked in deadly battle with MAHALO! They role across the stage and vanish into the shop! All the CHORUS follows! SHOP-KID is left to himself, but soon, LUCIFER climbs up from a trap door!

LUCIFER: Hey! Shop-Kid! You God's son?

SHOP-KID: Yes! Yes!

LUCIFER: You got it all wrong! See what is says ther eon the plot? Well, you got the positioning all wrong! It's supposed to be lit down here - see this dark trap door that I just rose out of? OK? Capiche? So let's climb down there with some trees and some nice warm fresnels and get the hang going!

SHOP-KID: Light the substage! Light the substage!

They climb into the trap door with all the stuff listed and vanish. TECHMAN returns with an instrument plot.

TECHMAN: Shop-Kid! Now that I've defeated the trecherous Mahalo, I must warn you of its, uh, trecherous scheme! It had planned to replace all the burnt out 500 Watt lamps with 20,000,000 Watt lamps, capable of melting even the most sturdy dance floor! You must not hang those lights! Shop-Kid! Where are you?

A burst of intense, nearly radioactive, heat rises from the substage!

TECHMAN: Quick! Somebody turn up the air conditioning to a level that is unreasonably high for a building that is already abnormally cold!

Somebody does.

TECHMAN: Why, that evil being of the nether-world, Lucifer, must have lured poor Shop-Kid into the substage and had him hang the lights there in hopes that the substage would stop being the frozen realm it once was, particularly some of the nasties substage recesses, such as the conference room. Alas, now the substage is ablaze with lights of a wattage too powerful for their instruments, and Shop-Kid and Lucifer are trapped!

GOD descends.

GOD: Zounds! It looks like you've foiled Mahalo once again, but at what cost? My son is toast! Alas, now we must struggle against time to get the lights hung!

TECHMAN: Have no fear, oh T-Diety, I have a plan...

Lights fade to black and music of a tremendous fight scene occurs. As the house lights come up and the audience shuffles out to struggle with parking. Suddenly...

TECHMAN: We'll cancel the show!

The show ends.
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