Greetings Darlings!

It is I, Lady Potamus! This morning, I am going to relate a small incident that occured to me some years ago.

There I was, stumbling down West 45th Street in Manhatten when suddenly I heard the sickening sound of screeching tires and crunching metals nearby! I ran around the corner when, what should I see, but what was, no doubt, once a nice red car. Stumbling out of the car, his face a bloody pulp, was none other Montgomery Clift, famed actor of stage and screen!

Well, he took one look at my horrified expression and passed out right there in the middle of the street! I knew that he didn't have long to live if I didn't take immediate action, so I immediatly started performing CPR on him. Alas, his face was so bloodied that I dared not press my lips to his.

Fortunately, I had learned of a way to actually inflate the lungs of a man through his genitals, so I launched into a full blown round of mouth to crotch resesitation.

Soon, he was breathing again, and moaning too. Doctors told me that my quick action and fantastic tongue work had not only brought him back to life, but given him the will to survive.

That's all! Drink up, sweeties!

(0) comments


Le Bastard

I was honored today to be contact by none other than Le Bastard of Self Hatred, one of the finest "E/N" sites on the internet. Le Bastard, of course, did very well during Survivorcam 2, finishing fourth. He was the last remaining man, so even though he was a loser, he was also a winner.

I still owe the winner of Survivorcam some cash and some other stuff, but I am having a hard time scraping it together.

In other news, Yatta!

(0) comments


Greetings Dearies!

Lady Potamus here!

Well, the Academy Awards are already upon us and, I regret to confess, I haven't had a chance to "get with" any of this year's nominees. However, if you would allow me to play a little bit of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," using a different star, I am only one step away from Halle Berry. Someday, Halle, you will be mine.

It all started on the set of "Girl Interuprted." Wynonna Ryder had invited me down to give her some tips on playing her character and on shoplifting. Oh, my fleet fingers have lifted more gold in their day than you have probably seen in your life!

I digress. I was napping on one of the cots of the set, when I was suddenly awakened by a moist feeling at my feet. I looked down and who should I see sucking on my toe but Oscar (tm) winner Angelina Jolie! Well, in no time, I was being double teamed by her and her crazy redneck lover Billy Bob Thorton. Just when I had climbed on top of the scrawny man and shouted "use your sling blade," (a horrible thing to yell, to be sure, but I was in the throes of passion) Angelina fell prey to one of her fits of jealousy and nearly smothered me with her massive artificial breasts.

Well, I woke up several hours later in a dank basement where Billy Bob had his way with me for days, feeding me only C-rations from some military campaign or other. He had saved me from Angelina by knocking her cold with a vicious uppercut and then claiming I was dead. He released me a day or two later and I didn't press charges because I had such a smashing good time!

Anyhow, Billy Bob "got with" Halle Berry in some movie or other this year, so I am close but no cigar, as you might say.

Tally ho!

(0) comments
A Farewell to Kip

Kip (at least that is the name I have been using for him online), my manager at Kinkos, quit today. He got a better job - from what I understand, he is going to be an assistant horse breeder at a local farm.

We took him out to lunch and he got so wasted that when we returned to Kinkos, he spent the rest of the day making copies of his tattoo (the Tasmanian Devil on his arm) and faxing them to our corporate HQ. It was quite a spectacle.

Anyhow, I have been promoted to assistant manager, which is pretty exciting for me, though it does mean I have to spend more time at work. I called up Max and asked him to run our next gig, since I won't be able to be there, and since Tiffany isn't speaking to me.

I realize that a two person show is a bit of a stretch, which is making me think that I really need to hold those auditions I discussed in an Improvland article a few months ago.


(0) comments


Really Long Form

Well, I am just getting up! I slept through work today because, last night, I had one of the greatest improv experiences of my life.

We had our gig at the Liquor store, which began at 8:30. A little late, but there was a misprint in the local paper. Anyhow, we had about nineteen audience members there, which was all the store could fit. Actually, one person had to watch us by peering through bottles of chardonnay on a shelf.

Anyhow, as Tiffany, Max and I started the show, we could already feel the magic was in the air. I looked at the two of them and said "Marathon." They nodded.

We proceeded to launch into a fifteen hour show. Max put padlocks on the door to make sure nobody got out.

We started by doing a 45 minute variation on the Alphabet Game that we call "Random Alphabet." Basically, it is like the regular alphabet game (you know - the one where each sentence needs to start with the next letter of the alphabet?). However, we can use the letters in any order we want. In this long version, we need to use each letter 60 times. We give the audience a special score card so that they can follow along with each letter. Of course, we save the X's and Q's for the end so that the audience can laugh as we struggle to find different words. It was super funny last night.

We followed this up with a variation we do on Party Quirks called "Multiple Personality Quirks." Each of the two people playing guests at the party thinks they are twelve different celebrities, famous people, or whatever. They can change personalities any time they like, so the host has to try and keep all of the clues in his or her head. It takes an awful lot of concentration, or they never get it. This one took us about three hours.

I could go on and on about each of the games, but I had better figure out how I can fake a car accident so Kip, my boss at Kinko's, doesn't come down on me for missing work.

See ya!

(0) comments

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?