Reprinted from Validate This

I have decided that everyone needs something to hate. This was a difficult decision for me, because I have always liked to think that I love everyone. However, I have come to believe, after a week in Norway, that you need to be able to hate with the full depth of your heart in order to love with the full depth of your heart. It was a spiritual journey after all.

Thus, after much contemplation, I have decided to hate people who engage in Tantric sex in general, and Sting in specific.

Why are the Tantric worthy of my undying hate? Well, it isn't just because of my continuing struggle with premature ejaculation, I'll tell you that.

I think that main reason to hate these people is Sting. Let us look at some of Sting's lyrics:

"Dee doo doo doo dee da da da that's all I want to say to you"
"I see the rain-ay-ay-ay-ay"
"I hope my legs don't break walking on the moon"

I am taking them out of context so they seem particularly lame and stupid, but they don't improve much in context.

It is also worth looking at Sting's film career, though I don't recommend you watch the movies. He was in a remake of The Bride of Frankenstein called The Bride. Until I saw The Musketeer on my plane flight back from Norway, The Bride was the lamest movie I ever saw in my life. Sting is the black hole of acting - a performer so dense that he actually sucks the talent out of any actor that is unfortunate enough to appear on the screen at the same time as him.

He was also in David Lynch's Dune. I never read the Dune books, but if you know me, you know that the idea of Kyle McLaughlin riding a giant white worm should have been an incredible turn on. Nah-ah. Sting appeared in the movie as some sort of villain and single handedly managed to destroy the film by attempting to "act." At least he didn't wear his shirt for part of the movie.

Finally, I think you will agree that The Police is the lamest name for a band ever. Stuart Copeland, drummer for The Police, had two brothers. One was the head of IRS records, and the other was the head of FBI booking. Wow, those Copeland brothers sure dig using names of enforcement agencies. While I cannot directly blame Sting for any of this lameness, it pisses me off and always has.

As for Tantric Sex itself, the whole point is to delay orgasm for as long as possible to heighten some sort of spiritual thing. Dude, the whole point of sex is to finish as quickly as possible so that you can get back to Dibblerz or Warheads or whatever game you might be playing at the moment. Remember, when you and your partner are oofing, whichever of you finishes first wins.

In order to properly mock them, I think I need to come up with some good slurs to throw at them. I think "Slow Fuckers" is a good start, or maybe "Tantricocksuckers." I welcome suggestions.

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