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9.21.2002

Reprinted from Validate This:

Catechism 21

I am Catholic. Well, sure, I was never baptized. And, yeah, I never really ever went to church my whole life. And, of course, somebody had to explain to me that to become a saint one actually had to, first, be dead. However, both of my parents’ were lapsed Catholics, so even I don’t share any of the core beliefs of the Catholic Church, I am genetically Catholic.

I mean, like a good Catholic, I support the IRA and am doing everything in my power to help re-arm it. Also, I went to see The Exorcist when it was re-released and this time I cheered for the priests, not for the little girl. This was because the little girl grew up to be Linda Blair. She was featured in a ton of women behind bars movies which, while hot in their own way, can’t match HBO’s Oz for sheer, unbridled prison passion.

Thus, I was appalled at the recent scandal about the Cardinals or the Arch-bishop of Canterbury or somebody molesting all those kids. I mean, sure there isn’t a “thou shalt not molest children” commandment, but some things should go without saying.

I can almost imagine Moses talking to God:

“God, should we include an eleventh commandment about not fucking nine year olds?”

“Moses, don’t be a shithead. Not even Satan fucks nine year olds, and he is damned to hell for all eternity. Why would such a thought even cross your mind?”

“Uh, no reason.”

I am not implying that Moses diddled little kids, but they did get married at age 12 back in those days, so you have to figure he was sizing them up every now and then.

Anyhow, my point is that the Pope called them all to Rome to tell them to stop molesting children this week. Again, apparently in America (where I am), our Bishops need to be told to keep their hands out of the pants of their choirboys by the Pope.

They decided not to accept a zero tolerance policy. One cardinal was quoted as saying something like, “Hey, we’ve all been caught with our hand in the cookie jar once or twice, if you know what I’m saying.”

Instead, they have this action going where if you have a pattern of child abuse you can’t be a priest anymore. Obviously, this must suck for all the priests who, for years, have been moved around from parish to parish boffing all the pre-teen action they could stick their miter into. It bothers me that this is a policy that is just going into effect. Apparently, up until now, you could rear a child in the traditional Greek military way and stay a priest. Just don’t, you know, get married or have consensual sex with an adult or anything.

While I am on the subject, has anyone noticed that the Pope’s head is drooping dangerously to the left these days? Surely they could get some sort of papal neck brace or something. He looks old and sad. Either that or he is sleeping through many of these meetings with American Cardinals.

“Eh, why are all these Americans here? Is Italy being invaded again?”

“No, monseigniuer, they are here because they have been molesting children.”

“Oh, thank-a God. Tell them-a three ‘Our Fathers’ and then hit the road. I go back to sleep now. Wake-a me up if God calls.”

Anyhow, now that this important Catholic problem is solved, I confess to being a little disappointed. It has long been a fantasy of mine to go to the cathedral or synagogue or whatever it is called and enter one of those little booths where you admit you screwed up. There, Father Bob (or whomever) would be waiting on the wrong side of the box. We would re-enact some of my favorite scenes from Ben Hur.

I wonder if Nuns are still allowed to molest people? Hmmmm.
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